So I wonder – who’s the most difficult person in your life right now? Chances are you can picture their face. Well I’d like to spend some time with you chatting about the number one most difficult person in your life.

When People Look at Us

Let me ask you a question: when the world looks at the church, what does it see? When people look at the church of Jesus Christ, what is it they see in the media image? Sexual abuse on the news, division amongst denominations, people who mean well demonstrating against this, that and the other! It sees a bunch of people who say one thing and do another. On the one thing we profess God‘s love, on the other, well, the church seems to be saying, in it’s media image, “do this, don’t do that, but by the way, don’t mind the fact that we have systematically covered up sexual abuse of children for decades.”

There’s a name for that and it’s called ‘hypocrisy’ and the world hates hypocrisy. You and I hate hypocrisy. What do people expect to see when they look at God’s people? What do people expect to see? Tony Campolo is a wonderful man out of the U.S., you may have heard of him. He just a wonderful minister of God’s Word and he often asks young people, when he meets them in universities: “What’s the one thing that you know that Jesus said?” and mostly people say this – mostly people remember that Jesus said: “Love your enemy!” And too often it seems that we as God’s people; as Christians, are kind of telling people how far they have strayed from God. You know, we talk about this social issue, or that social issue, instead of reaching out to people and telling them how close God really is in Jesus Christ.

Well that’s the big picture; that’s the macro. What about the micro? What about you and me? When they look at us, what do they see? Do they see, ‘love your enemy’? First John chapter 4 verse 7 says this:

Let us love one another for love comes from God …

And when you look at Jesus, when you look at how He dealt with people and what He taught and what He spoke about, the biggest thing for Him was that love-walk; the biggest thing for Him was valuing people and loving them into the Kingdom of God. We got a new revelation of who God is when Jesus arrived and then when you look at the rest of the New Testament, the Epistles that come after the Gospels, the letters that were written amongst the New Testament church when Jesus had risen again, more and more you see that revelation expounded as ‘walk in love’. Love God and love other people.

John Grey, the author of that famous book, ‘Men Are From Mars and Women are From Venus’, makes a very interesting point in that book. He says that very few people ever grow in love. Why is that? Because loving is difficult. The people we love can be difficult sometimes. Forty five percent of marriages – almost half – fail. I wonder of those that are left, how many of them are lousy marriages? We want to love; it’s not enough to want to love, we actually need to know how to love, I really believe that. Let me just say that again. It’s not enough for us to know that we ought to walk in love; we actually need to know how to do that. And so on Christianityworks this week we are starting a series of four messages called Dealing With Difficult People. Because difficult people are all around us, difficult relationships are all around us and our ability to look like Jesus and be like Jesus and love like Jesus, depends on our ability to deal with the difficult people in our lives – those that Jesus referred to as our enemies.

Let me ask you, who’s the most difficult person you’ll ever meet? Just close your eyes for a minute and visualise the most difficult person you ever met. I’m sure you can see their face and it stirs up emotions in you. Now open your eyes. If I had a mirror I’d be standing in front of you holding up the mirror and saying, “Here, look at the most difficult person that you will ever meet.”

Take a good look, because we look at ourselves for five, maybe ten minutes in the mirror in the morning and then we spend the rest of the day looking at other people. Day after day after day, we look at other people and sometimes the better we know them, the better we know their faults and weaknesses and their blind spots and we experience the things that they do to hurt us, or the things that they don’t do to hurt us and we go from recognising their strengths and weaknesses to judging those.

Now, it’s right to look at someone and say, “this person is good at this and not good at that” and to assess them. But we can step over a line, where that good assessment of someone turns into judgement and that line is called, ‘anger and resentment’. When all of a sudden, what other people do to us or say to us or omit to do to us – when those things get us angry and resentful and vengeful – we have stepped over a very important line and all the time we forget that in order for us to have a difficult person in our lives we have to have a relationship with them. It’s not so much that they are difficult people; it’s that we are having a difficult relationship. It takes two to tango, as the saying goes.

And sometime as we get to know these people better and their weaknesses hurt us and their failures grate up against our personalities, we can start to judge them. Instead of looking at them through God’s eyes, we end up looking at them through the devil’s eyes. Jesus said: “You’ve heard it said, ‘Don’t murder’ and anyone who murders will be subject to judgement, but I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother, is subject to judgement.” Well, what is that judgement? What does that look like? Why do we go there?

The Anatomy of Judgement

So what is it, what happens when we run into a difficult person and we step over that line, we step over the line from a sober assessment of who they are into that realm of judgement and resentment? Well, Jesus talked about that because it was an important issue – was two thousand years ago, it still is today. This is what He said, if you have a Bible, grab it, you can open it at Matthew’s Gospel; first Book in the New Testament, chapter 6 verse 22, Matthew 6:22, this is what he said. He said:

The eye is the lamp of the body so if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. And when the light in you is darkness, how great is that darkness?

The eye, when you think about it, is our major organ of perception. We see the world through our eyes and Jesus was using it here as a metaphor. It’s true in the physical sense but it’s also true in an emotional and spiritual sense. How we see things, often becomes the problem when we are having a relationship that is difficult. Now if the eye is healthy then we’ll see light; we’ll see things the way that they are but Jesus says:

If the eye is unhealthy then you will be full of darkness and how dark is that darkness?

When we get a wrong perspective, it kind of creeps up on you. I suffer from Glaucoma which is a disease of the eye where the pressure in your eye ultimately damages the optic nerve that carries the images back to your brain, and it happens very gradually. You lose your peripheral vision and all of a sudden you can barely see and by then it’s too late. Now fortunately, for me, they caught it early and I’ve got treatment and I can see just fine. But when our eye is diseased; when our perception is diseased, we often don’t notice that it’s going on.

Have a listen to this wonderful story, it was written by Frank Koche, in the magazine ‘Proceedings’ which is the magazine of the U.S. Naval Institute. This is what he writes. He says:

Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been sent on manoeuvres in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and I was on watch on the bridge when night fell. The visibility was poor, with patchy fog so the Captain remained on the bridge to keep an eye on all activities.

Shortly after dark, the look-out on the wing of the bridge reported: “Light bearing on the starboard bow.” “Is it steady or moving astern?” the Captain called out.

The look-out replied: “Steady, Captain,” which meant that we were on a dangerous collision course with that ship. The Captain then called to the signalman. He said: “Signal that ship. We are on a collision course, advise that you change course twenty degrees.”

Back came a signal: “Advise for you to change course twenty degrees.” And the Captain said: “Send – “I am a Captain, change course twenty degrees.” “I’m a seaman second class” came back the reply, “You’d better change course twenty degrees.” By that time the Captain was furious and he spat out: “Send – I’m a battleship, change course twenty degrees.” Back came the flashing light: “I’m a lighthouse.” We changed course twenty degrees.”

The Captain was caught in a fog. Now there were two battleships out there on exercise and he thought that that other light was a battleship but he had fog; he couldn’t see properly. He was trying to keep an eye on things but he’s vision was clouded. The picture in his head was of two ships and he relied on the picture in his head and the picture was wrong, yet he got angry even though it was because he had the wrong picture in his head and that is exactly what we do.

We have a map in our head of other people and why they do what they do and how they do it and what they’re doing to us. We have this map in our head of other people and sometimes it gets distorted. Sometimes we don’t have the right end of the stick. Sometimes our vision is clouded and we just get it plain wrong.

Maybe if we’re insecure, we want other people to walk on egg-shells because of our insecurity. Maybe if we are arrogant we want other people to be perfect, made in our image. You know, perfection is always: they’re exactly like me. Maybe if we’ve got selfish ambition we want people to get out of our road so that we can go and do what we want to do. The list goes on.

Not so long ago, I visited a city; a large city that I used to live in, and I had an old street directory and I was trying to travel from point A to point B in the centre of the city in my car. And I got to a point and I discovered all of a sudden, they had put a pedestrian mall in the middle of one of the main streets, I had the wrong map. And when we do that in our relationships with other people, it can be a painful thing.

Our past hurts or our own weaknesses or our own sin, all of those things – the devil uses those to destroy our relationships. We see things through the lens of our experiences. I wear glasses, maybe you wear glasses, maybe you don’t, but we see things through the lens of who we are, our strengths and weaknesses, of our experiences, of our past, of our insecurities. If we looked at some of the people in our lives who are so difficult, the ones who hurt us and disappoints us, the ones who we’ve made our enemies – if we knew the hurts and disappointments in their lives, that make them do what they do, it would be enough to stop us from any feelings of hostility or anger or anything like that.

‘The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but if your eye is unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness and if the light in you is darkness, how great is that darkness.’

In other words if you think you are seeing light and clearly, but actually it is distorted, boy, that is a really, really bad place to be. Come on, isn’t it sometimes the problems in our relationships are not so much what other people are doing but how we see the world? What are the things in my life; what are the things in your life that distort our view of exactly what’s going on? How is it that we can see clearly?

Don’t Judge

We are talking about judgement. We are talking about dealing with difficult people and how it is sometimes that we get all hurt by what other people do. When so often it’s got to do with our own failures and our own weaknesses and the way we see the world based on who we are. Again Jesus talked about this, open a Bible, if you’ve got one, at Matthew chapter 7 verse 1, this is what He said. He said:

Do not judge so that you may not be judged. For with the judgement that you make, you will be judged and the measure you give will be the measure that you get.” Now under what circumstances, according to Jesus, is it ok to judge other people? Never! “Do not judge, so that you may not be judged.

Wow! Because judgement is about anger and retribution, when I judge you, I want my pound of flesh; I want to tear you apart. Yea, that’s what we are like as people and Jesus is saying: “It’s not your job. Don’t judge other people.” Boy that’s hard! Have a look at Romans chapter 12 verse 19, just flick there for a moment. This is what the Apostle Paul writes:

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God because it’s written: “Vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Now if your enemies are hungry, feed them, if they’re thirsty, give them something to drink, for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads. Do not overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.

If I judge what, God is going to judge me? God will judge me by the same rules that I apply to judging other people. Look at it – back to Matthew chapter 7, where Jesus was talking. He said:

Why is it that you see the speck in your neighbour’s eye but you don’t notice the log in your own eye. Or how can you say to your neighbour; “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” while there’s a log in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the log out of your own eye and then you’ll see clearly enough to take the speck out of your neighbour’s eye.

The log in my eye, the log in your eye, that’s our failures and our weaknesses and our downsides and our sin – that’s what causes our perception to be distorted. Come on, if I’m an insecure person, am I going to expect everybody to walk on egg-shells for me? If I’m an arrogant person, am I going to expect them all to kow-tow to me? Or am I going to humble myself and take the log out of my eye. If I’m on a mission; I’ve got a goal in life that’s not from God and I want to roll over the top of people, will I lay it down?

This stuff’s not easy because, the log in our own eye, we don’t want to know it’s there. We don’t want to admit that we have a log in our own eye, but we sometimes do. It’s not easy to get rid of – that’s why we need the Holy Spirit; that’s why we need the Word of God. That’s why you and I are together right now. We can be such slackos but what if – what if we put determination and humility in our hearts?

What if we came to Jesus and said: “Lord, I’ve heard your Word and I confess this log. I confess my own poverty, I confess my complete inability to do anything about it, except to lay it at your feet – to lay it at the foot of the cross – and say: “Lord I need your help.” Because you know something – anything less is hypocrisy. The word ‘hypocrisy’ that Jesus uses there, means an actor who is two faced. The world hates hypocrites – you and I hate hypocrites. How can we be hypocrites? How can we walk around with a log in our eye and say to a neighbour: “You’ve got a speck in yours.” Come on!

Now does that mean that we can never deal with someone else’s problem? No! That’s not what Jesus said. Have a look at chapter 7 verse 5 of Matthew again. He said:

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbour’s eye.

Because when we take out the log; when we take out our failures out of the equation, when we take off the devil’s glasses and put on God’s glasses and we see the world clearly through His eyes, through God’s Word, through who He is, all of a sudden the judgement goes away, a desire for anger and revenge goes away. You and I, we can’t genuinely help anybody when we are angry with them. Can I say that again? We can’t genuinely help anybody to take the speck out of their eye when we are angry with them. All we can give them is cynical, self-serving and self-seeking hypocrisy and judgement.

First we need take the log out of our own eyes, first we need to admit that maybe our own insecurities are ruining this relationship. Maybe our own selfishness is ruining this relationship. Maybe some unrealistic expectations are ruining this relationship. Jesus said: “Woe to you Scribes and Pharisees. You hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and plate but inside they’re full of greed and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup so that the outside may also become clean.”

How do I deal with difficult people? For me, the first step is saying, ‘I’m the most difficult person I will ever meet. I am with me 24/7, I am with me every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year for the rest of my life on this earth and Jesus is saying to me, Jesus is saying to you:

Examine your own motives in the light of God’s Word and in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Have a look again at the Book of Romans, if you will, with me – chapter 5 verses 6 to 8. Paul writes this. He says:

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. Indeed, rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though perhaps, for a good person, someone might actually dare to die, but God proves His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

When you and I were still sinners; when we were in enmity to God, God proved His love for us, by looking beyond our sin. He didn’t let the hurt that He felt at our sin, immobilise Him or deter Him from the cross.

We all know John 3:16 – that’s the good news, because:

God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son so that whoever believes in Him won’t perish but have eternal life.

But what about First John 3:16 – that letter toward the end of the New Testament – what does that say? Gotta remember this one too, it says this: “We know love by this – that He laid down His life for us and we ought to lay down our lives for each other. In other words be imitators of God.” We are made to be like God – not to be God – but to be like God. We’re made in His image and the one thing that stops us from that is our sin, our weaknesses and our failures and Jesus is saying:

Take the log out of your eye.

Because as long as you carry it round, you are the most difficult person you will ever meet and when you can see clearly – when you can see through my eyes – when you can see your enemies as the people who God created and God loves, as people made in His image, all of a sudden life becomes a lot better. All of a sudden it becomes so much easier to deal with those difficult people, when we acknowledge that we are part of the difficulty in that relationship. It takes courage to identify the log in your eye. You know, it takes determination to cast it out. It takes humility to love your enemy.

So how about it? Don’t underestimate it – this is a huge thing. It’s being prepared to change our perspective; to lay our pride down, to struggle through this over and over again, to die to ourselves for the glory of Jesus Christ. When they look at you, when they look at me, will they see someone and say: “Now there’s someone that’s like Jesus, there is someone who heard Jesus say: ‘Love your enemy.’” Come on, will they?

We all have some difficult people in our lives. You do. I do. So how do you deal with them – especially when you’re under fire from the enemy?

It’s Easy to Fight Wars

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but dealing with people, sometimes difficult people, is a big part of life, at home, at work, socially. And conflict can take its toll. Sometimes we feel as though we’re under pressure – as though we’re under fire, maybe through circumstances, maybe through what other people are doing – and right in the middle of that difficult space, we still have to deal with those difficult people, under fire. And in one of those perverse twists of life, in a sense there’s meaning in conflict; in a sense there’s meaning and dignity when we sacrifice in the midst of a conflict.

Most nations, my own, Australia and in fact, New Zealand, celebrate the sacrifice of their soldiers during war. In Australia it’s called ANZAC Day – the Australia New Zealand Army Corp and increasingly, that celebration is growing.

About twenty or thirty years ago people said, “oh it’s all war mongering and it’s all about this and that and it’s going to die and we can’t possibly continue celebrating war. And it’s funny, but we celebrate a day, in ANZAC Day, which is a day of great defeat. It remembers – maybe celebrates is the wrong word – it remembers that eighteen and a half thousand Australian soldiers were wounded or missing and seven and a half thousand were killed. Five thousand New Zealanders wounded and missing, two and a half thousand killed in this Gallipoli campaign in World War One which was such an enormous disaster.

And social commentators are saying, “look, the reason that these celebrations, right around the world, the reason that these sorts of days are being remembered, right around the world, where we are looking at our soldiers who were lost in battle, is that – well it’s not about war any more, it used to be about the glorification of war – but today it’s about sacrifice and hope. It’s all about the triumph of the spirit not about the victory in the battle.

These sorts of days, where we remember fallen soldiers, say with a voice that grows louder each year that we expect to find something good to happen, that we are still capable of becoming the kind of society that would justify the sacrifice of those who thought we were worth fighting for. In other words, people today are looking back on the sacrifice of the soldiers of their countries and saying, “You know, there’s meaning in that sacrifice, you know there’s humility, there’s giving, there’s something spiritual when these men under fire, were prepared to sacrifice their lives for me.”

There’s a large shopping centre near where I live, quite a new one – very ritzy, glitzy, you know – enormous, expensive clothes. And you see people milling around in that shopping centre, day after day, week after week, and that whole shopping centre – mall, shopping thing – is like an icon of our time. Yet as ritzy and glitzy as it is, it doesn’t have meaning and people are looking for meaning and it seems that in celebrations, like ANZAC Day, they’re finding that spiritual flame – that cenotaph, that bugle, that cool morning air, that shrine, that spiritual experience – people are finding meaning in sacrifice.

Now you might ask, “why don’t they find that in Jesus? Why don’t they find that in church?” And you look at the public media image of the church, with this denomination fighting that denomination and the systematic cover-up of child abuse and Christians who don’t look any different, actually, from the rest of the world. The salt, at least in its public image, has lost its flavour. The light has stopped shinning when people look at what Christianity is through the media. And let’s face it, we construct much of our reality about life through what we see in the media – it may not be fair, but that’s the perception. So I can’t imagine why they’re not knocking down the doors of our churches searching for the truth, can you?

A man whom I admire enormously, Michael Frost, once said to me – he said, “Holy living is mission.” In other words, the way that we live our lives as Christ followers, needs to be missional. We need to be salt and light, loving one another and as the shoppers are swilling around these shopping centers, what are they looking for? They’re looking for spiritual authenticity. They’re looking for sacrifice and love and community and acceptance, as they find on ANZAC Day. But you just don’t find that in shopping centers and as much as the ANZAC Day style of celebration around the world is a spiritual experience, it can never replace Jesus.

Why are we talking about conflict and battle? – because life is sometimes conflict and battle and when people look at the church, when people look at you and me as Christ followers, and they say, “Is this person for real? Is this faith authentic? Is there an authentic, spiritual experience to be had in this Christianity thing?” What they’re looking for is what Jesus talked about in loving our enemy. I often talk about Tony Campolo, wonderful man who loves to ask university students, “Can you remember just one thing that Jesus said?” and they almost always say to him, “well, I remember that Jesus said, “love your enemy.”

That’s the sort of love that happens under fire. That’s the sort of love when we are dealing with difficult people and all these other people who know that we might be Christ followers, look at us and they think, “well, ok, if this person going to be authentic, if this Christianity thing is authentic, I want to know how they behave under fire.”

God’s Word says that we should be transformed, challenged. “I appeal to you,” writes Paul in Roman chapter 12 verses 1 and 2:

I appeal to you therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable to God, which is your Spiritual worship. Don’t be conformed to this world – don’t be like the rest of the world – but be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you may know what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

Don’t be like the world, be a living sacrifice. When you and I are under fire, that’s the time when we live out the living sacrifice thing and living out a sacrifice is not easy. It’s a tough gig. How do we do that? Exactly how do you and I become living sacrifices? We are going to take a look at that question next.

Make Love not War

Well, how do we become living sacrifices? If authenticity of our faith is measured by Jesus’ words – love your enemy, be salt, be light, be my love in this world – if that’s what is the mark of authenticity, how can we be that, ‘cause it’s not easy – it’s not easy being a living sacrifice?

If you have a Bible, open it – right towards the end of the New Testament, to the first letter of Peter, First Peter chapter 3, we are going to look at verses 8 to 13. This is what Peter writes – he says:

Finally, all of you have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind. Don’t repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse but on the contrary, repay with a blessing. It is for this that you were called, that you might inherit a blessing for those who desire life and desire to see good days, let them keep their tongues from evil and their lips from speaking their seed.

Let them turn away from evil and do good. Let them seek peace and pursue it, for the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are open to their prayer but the face of the Lord is turned against those who do evil. Now who will harm you if you are eager to do what is good?

The catch-cry of the nineteen sixties, when I was growing up was ‘make love not war’ and of course the cold war has been replaced by a different war. I mean there are a lot of wars going on, on the planet – between forty and fifty – but the one that is foremost in our mind is the war against terrorism. And we see the terrorists on one hand, of all different persuasions, trying to fight against and harm other people and it’s kind of an amazing logic.

It works like this – terrorists blow up a bus or they blow up a this or they blow up a that, and then the forces of good, supposedly, go and bomb this village or go and bomb that village, or go and blow up this and so the terrorists blow something else up and so the good guys blow something else up and on and on this goes.

I just can’t see the logic – violence begets violence. Jesus says, “murder begins in the heart,” and hate carries the same punishment from God as murder. We can’t decry terrorism and at the same time continue to hate others in our hearts. Look what Peter writes in verse 8 of chapter 3 again:

Finally all of you have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and humble mind.

Unity, sympathy and love are about unconditional acceptance of people. A tender heart and a humble mind is about being low; it’s about saying, “You know something, I’m not as important as the other person. What’s really important is that I love them, that I care for them, that I ‘do’ for them.” That’s the key to freedom, this message of Jesus that turned a whole world upside down.

I mean you and I have enemies in our lives. We have terrorists in our lives, we have people who upset our lives and I can dig my trench and my enemies can dig their trench and I’ll throw a grenade and they’ll throw a grenade then I’ll throw a bigger grenade and they’ll throw a bigger grenade … This whole cycle of violence – now we mightn’t be shooting each other but emotional violence – you know what I mean, conflict, anger, aggression – just doesn’t fit with what Peter’s talking about here – sympathy, love, a tender heart and humility.

Are you a Christ follower – are you a Jesus follower? Then in these conflicts; in these battles with difficult people in our lives, we need to be the leaders and to be the leader we are the servant. How will peace break out in this war against terror? Exactly how will that do? Well, one side will stop bombing and shooting.

One side will lay their guns and their munitions and their explosives down and refuse to take them up again. And when the other side keeps shooting and killing, they’ll still refuse to pick up their guns. What would happen? Probably world opinion would turn against the aggressor and ultimately the shooting and the killing would stop. Look at what Peter writes in verse 9:

Do not repay evil with evil, but on the contrary, repay with a blessing.

Who are the difficult people in your life? Who are the ones that are making your life a misery? Who are the ones who are putting you under fire; you under pressure? Don’t repay their evil with your evil. Ooh! Gets personal now doesn’t?

Don’t repay their evil with your evil but on the contrary, repay them with a blessing.” That’s how you get peace.

Verse 11:

Let them turn away from evil and do good; let them seek peace and pursue it.

Is there anybody today who doesn’t desire peace with the people in their lives? Why don’t you lay down your arms; why don’t you bless them? Why don’t you speak well of them?

Ephesians chapter 1 verse 3, it says:

God has blessed us in Christ with every Spiritual blessing.

The Greek word is ‘eulogia’ from which we get ‘eulogy’, which means ‘to speak well of’. God has spoken well of us in Christ with every Spiritual blessing in heavenly places. So when God speaks, He says:

Let there be light”, there’s light.

God has spoken every blessing over your life and my life if we are in Christ. What if we started to do the same? What if we spoke well of our enemy? What if we sought to understand their hurts and cover their backs and compensate for their weaknesses and leave their behaviour to God in prayer? Come on, what if?

Some people won’t like it – some people just won’t like it, if they’re enemies, they won’t like it. But look what Peter writes in chapter 4 verse 8:

Above all, maintain constant love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaining and like good stewards of the grace of God, serve one another with whatever gift each of you has received.

Well, when we decide to lay down our arms and stop fighting, some people won’t like it but on the other hand, peace will probably break out and God is on our side. Now, who will harm you if you are eager to do what’s good? But, even if peace doesn’t break out, look at verse 14 of chapter 3:

Even if you do suffer for doing what is right, you are blessed.

Well, what happens if peace doesn’t break out?

A Radical Prayer for Peace

Well, we are looking at what to do when we are in conflict – dealing with difficult people. And here in the third chapter of the first letter of Peter: First Peter chapter 3 – what we’ve seen is that we are called to stop repaying evil for evil and abuse for abuse but on the contrary repay it with a blessing.

And then Peter goes on to say, in verse 13 of chapter 3:

Now who will harm you if you are eager to do what’s good, but even if you do suffer for doing what is right, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear and do not be intimidated but in your hearts, sanctify Christ as Lord; for it is better …

Verse 17:

For it is better to suffer for doing good if suffering should be God’s will, than to suffer for doing evil.

What if the other side – the other person that we are in conflict with – this person who is putting us under pressure and putting us under fire, what if that person won’t stop? What if we decide to stop and lay down our arms and say, “I’m not going … I’m not going to do this any more. I’m just going to bless you; I’m just going to be good to you; I’m just going to be nice to you; I’m going to speak well of you.” And the other side keeps shooting?

Well, we shouldn’t be surprised because sometimes people do that, but even if you do suffer for doing what is right, you are blessed. It’s a promise from God. Don’t be afraid of what they are afraid of and don’t be intimidated. In other words, we don’t have to be afraid any more because we have Christ. When I lay down my right to fight back against you, if you and I have been fighting, when I lay that down, I say: “I’m not going to do that any more.” I may still suffer for a time, but God says: “You are blessed, because you are doing what I have ask you to do, and you don’t have to be afraid of what they’re afraid of because you have Jesus.”

And when it hurts, run to Jesus, get close, get intimate with God but don’t be surprised because sometimes we do suffer for good and it’s not fair. I mean, I think verse 17 of chapter 3 is kind of counter intuitive. Look at it:

For it is better to suffer for doing good, if suffering should be God’s will, than to suffer for doing evil.

Now, we have it the other way around. We say, “well, you know, if I’ve done something wrong I kind of expect to suffer but if I’m doing the right thing, I shouldn’t be suffering.” You know, we’re out rebuking the devil, well, sometimes we do. And God says, “it’s better that you suffer for doing right.” Even though it’s unfair; even though it shouldn’t happen, it’s much better that we suffer for doing right than doing something wrong.

This is radical stuff! This is turning our human understanding completely on its ear. Why? Because it’s a missional outcome; because holy living is mission. Because being Christ, sharing in His suffering, shows an authenticity; a Spiritual authenticity that actually people are looking for. That’s why they flock to War Memorials once a year – they’re looking for some authenticity in suffering and when they see us not fighting back, then all of a sudden they say, “you know, that joker’s different to me. That person has got something that I want.”

This whole letter from Peter is about hope amidst persecution and to live that hope, to experience that peace, he’s saying, “you do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse, but on the contrary, repay with a blessing.” Lay down your arms. Are you fighting a battle with someone? Are you under pressure; are you under fire from the enemy? And your blood boils and you just want to kill this person.

Lay down your arms! Let them shoot – let them shoot as much as they like: let them criticize as much as they like; let them stab you in the back and go behind your back as much as they like. Lay down your arms. Bless them; speak well of them; bless them with your abilities and your talents and your gift – with whatever you have – look as good stewards of the grace of God. Chapter 4 verse 10:

Serve one another with whatever gift each of you has received.

This isn’t just about stopping the battle; it’s about repaying evil with good. It’s being proactive. It’s not walking away, it’s not de-taunt, its saying, “you know, the only thing that’s going to change the darkness, is if I shine God’s light into this place.” That’s why it’s so radical. Jesus going to the cross was radical. God nailed to a piece of wood!

It looked like God was losing – it was the greatest of victory in all history because Jesus bought your life and my life for all eternity. And when you and I take up our cross; when you and I become a living sacrifice; when you and I say, “you know something, if I’m going to be a real Christ follower, I’ve got to look like Jesus; I’ve got to be like Jesus and some days that means I have to suffer like Jesus.”

All of a sudden people see something different in us and when it hurts; when it’s unfair; when we just can’t take it any more, then we go to Him and we pray for our enemy. We pray: “Father, this person … this person who’s hurting me, this person who’s going behind my back, this person who’s putting me under fire, Father I pray that you would bless them. I pray your grace upon them. I pray your prosperity upon them. I pray your love and your mercy over their lives.” Is that radical? It’s just as radical as Jesus hanging on the cross, looking down at the people who nailed Him there – who were dividing up His clothes – saying, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”

This is where our faith hits the road and the chances are peace will probably break out but even if it doesn’t, God will bless us and that’s worth so much more than anything else. Flick over to First Peter chapter 4 verse 19. Peter writes this – he says:

Therefore let those who are suffering in accordance with God’s will entrust themselves to a faithful creator while still continuing to do good.

And chapter 5 verse 6:

Humble yourself therefore under the mighty hand of God so that He may exalt you in due time. Cast all your anxiety and cares on Him because He cares for you.

We are allowed to throw ourselves on the mercy of God. If we are doing His will, if we are living out like Jesus, we can go to God and say, “Lord, this hurts, this is hard, I’m not doing it easy, I’m doing it tough, but I’m doing it for you and I will love this person and I will pray your blessing on this person and I will bless them with everything that I am and everything that I have.”

And with these Scriptures ringing in our hearts, we can close our eyes and picture our greatest enemy and say, “Father God, in the name of Jesus Christ, I pray that you would bless this person. I pray Lord, that you would not just bless them a little bit, I pray that you would bless this person so abundantly that they can’t imagine how wonderful you are.”

That’s what Jesus calls us to. That’s what it means to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. That’s what it means not to be conformed to the ways of this world – that’s what it means to become a living sacrifice. Come on! This is where our faith hits the road – when we are under fire; when we are dealing with difficult people; when it’s not fair; when it hurts; when it’s tough – then the world looks at us and says, “does this person look like Jesus?” Or is this person just like me – just like one of us?

I really encourage you to take God’s Word, take First Peter; it’s only a few pages long – read it from beginning to end. It’ll take twenty minutes – and see what God says about suffering when it’s just not fair. That’s what Christ did for me, that’s what Christ did for you and if we are to be Christ to a lost world and a fallen world, that is what God calls us to when we are under fire from the enemy.

Other people or things – all that stuff out there – that’s not what brings us joy. No, it’s the inner peace it’s the relationship we have with God that brings peace. And a wonderful time to cultivate that, is right in the middle of the battle. Right when the going is tough.

We’re All Different

The first thing we notice when we look around at other people is that we are all different, aren‘t we? In a room of just ten people, even if two people are identical twins, we look around and we are all different. Even identical twins grow up emotionally quite different and they have different finger prints. So those differences are wonderful. That means you can do things that I can’t do and I can do things that you can’t do.

But sometimes those differences can really grate on us. You know, Jacqui, my wife, and I are really quite different. We can be lying in bed at night and I’ve got the ceiling fan on and she’s got her electric blanket on. And when we get close to people, those differences, well, you know, they can grate a little bit if we allow them to.

My strengths have a flip side to the coin, they have weaknesses underneath, and your strengths – the things that you are particularly good at, well, there’s a flip side to those. The under side of those can sometimes rub other people the wrong way. We all are a bundle (as I like to say) of strengths and weaknesses. Our own blubbering mass, if you like, of really good things we can do and the things where we aren’t so strong, where maybe we fall short. And in the daily grind, in the pressures and the conflict, those different personality types are hard to deal with.

The psychologists say there are kind of four personality types – the sanguine, the bubbly, fun loving type – the choleric, the organised, decision maker – the melancholic, the temperamental, creative – and the phlegmatic, the peace loving, kind of ‘hippy’ – and you and I, we’re all kind of a blend of one or two of those, I guess.

That’s ok, because people that are at a distance, that’s not so hard to deal with, but let’s look across our families at the moment – our immediate families and our extended families and what we know is, those differences in a family situation – in our homes, in the places we go to rest and relax and recuperate and be recharged – in those places, those differences can be painful and annoying. You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your relatives.|

Even husband and wife, as they get to know each other – I mean, of course, we can pick our husbands and wives but once we get to know each others weaknesses, once the relationship develops and the marriage goes on for a few years, it’s easy to get to the point and say, “oh, why did I pick her, or why did I pick him?” Is anyone compatible really? We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. We all know we’ve got mistakes, we all know we’ve got rough under-bellies that, you know, don’t quite measure up.

We are in the middle of a series called, ‘Dealing with Difficult People’ and today we are going to look at dealing with the difficult people in our families – the people who are closest to us.

The Bible says we should love people, the question is: How? How do we love people? It’s not enough to know that we should love difficult people in our families but it’s important to know how to love those difficult people, because how we love them will make a huge difference to our lives and in fact, the lives of all of those people who are close to us. And I guess I talk not only about our family, but people whom we work closely with. The ones that are really close to us are the ones – well, we can hurt them the most and they can hurt us the most. The more important that person is to us, the more they can hurt us because we open ourselves up; we expose ourselves.

So I like to start reading in First Peter, which is right towards the end of the New Testament – First Peter chapter 2 beginning at verse 18, right through to chapter 3.

You, who are servants, be good servants to your masters, not just to good masters, but bad ones too. What counts, is that you put up with it for God’s sake when you are treated badly for no good reason. You know, there’s no particular virtue in accepting punishment that you well deserve but if you are treated badly for good behaviour and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that’s what counts with God. This is the kind of life you’ve been invited to. The kind of life Jesus lived. 

He suffered everything that came His way so that you would know that it could be done and also how to do it, step by step. He never did one thing wrong, not one thing did He say that was amiss. They called Him every name in the book and He said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used His servant body to carry our sins to the cross so that we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep – you had no idea who you were or where you were, now you are named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls. 

The same goes for you wives, be wives to your husbands – good wives – responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to the words of God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty; by your inner beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance – not the styling of your hair or the jewellery you wear or the cut of your clothes but your inner beauty. 

Cultivate that inner beauty, that gentle gracious kind that delights God. The holy women of old were beautiful before God because they were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as my dear husband. You’ll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same – un-anxious and unintimidated. 

The same goes for you husbands. Be good husbands to your wives. Honour them, delight in them. As women, they might lack some of your advantages, but in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives then as equals so that your prayers don’t run aground.

Isn’t that a fabulous passage that talks about the suffering of a slave, the suffering of Jesus and how we can read that into our own family lives? In the same way, Jesus suffered for us; we should sacrifice for the people around us. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. Our natural tendency is to tell people exactly what’s wrong with them. You know, we spit anger out of our mouths. Jesus suffered silently. Does it help when we spit anger out of our mouths? Well, all things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. I might have a right to say what I say, but I could be just making things worse.

Jesus suffered – by His wounds we have been healed. What a perverse plan from God? Suffering brings salvation! “Now”, writes Peter, “Now wives in the same way, using that same example of Jesus, be a good wife to your unbelieving husband.” Does nagging help? Does telling him he’s lousy help? Does being a one-woman home improvement committee help? Let’s come and have a look at that next.

Practical Sacrifice

Well, let me ask you wives, does it help when you nag your husbands? Or is it better to trust God – is it better to suffer quietly? Because God will do stuff and your husband will eventually notice because your husband delights in your inner beauty. Look at the words of Peter again in chapter 3 beginning at verse 1:

The same goes for you wives. Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who mightn’t believe in God but they will be captivated by your life of holy beauty; your inner disposition. Cultivate that inner beauty, that gentle gracious kind in which God delights.

I’ll tell you, I’m a husband and I can really relate to that. I’ve a wonderful wife, in Jacqui, and it’s that inner beauty that really brings joy to my life. We need to get a revelation, wives, please get a revelation! You cannot change your husband. You or I cannot change any person. The only person who can change them is God and in fact, the closer we are to someone the harder it is to say things that will get them to change because we can say it to them over and over and over again, because we’re close, it becomes nagging and people shut off, especially, let me say, men shut off from that.

Let me ask you, how big is your God, wives? Will you be content to let Him set things right in your marriage, if there are things not quite right? And in the meantime cultivate an inner beauty – the lasting beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in God’s sight. This is about doing something or letting God do something inside of you when life is maybe not that easy – when the relationship between husband and wife is maybe not that good. Same as Jesus; back in the verses just before, towards the end of First Peter chapter 2 – He was the Son of God yet He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. Are we content to let God set things right?

I know a couple, neither of them believes in Jesus. They have a boat and a pool and a four wheel drive and an expensive car and there’s gambling and alcohol involved and they are miserable – let me say this very specifically – they are miserable as all hell. It’s not those external things that bring joy, it’s the things that happen on the inside. Other people or things are not what bring us joy, it’s the inner peace and the relationship with God and a wonderful time to cultivate that is right in the middle of when things are just a little bit difficult.

It’s a big shift in thinking because when things aren’t going well, when things are unfair, when we want to blame people, it’s hard, we want to grumble, we want to get what’s due to us. But, the passage that we read a little bit before in the program, look how it starts. Firstly it starts with a slave, actually, and slavery is a tough thing and Peter writes:

Be good slaves to your masters, not just when your masters are good but to the bad ones. There’s no virtue to accepting punishment that you deserve but if you are treated badly for good behaviour and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that is what counts with God.

Boy, that turns everything on its ear, doesn’t it? Turns everything upside down and he says: “Look it’s not only true of servants, it’s true of Jesus.” This is what Jesus did! Was it fair that He got nailed to a cross for you and me? Of course it wasn’t but He suffered silently and sacrificed anyway. He said:

For this reason the Father loves me because I lay down my life in order to take it up again. No one, no one takes it from me but I lay it down of my own will. I have the power to lay it down; I have the power to take it up. I have received this command from my Father.

Jesus did it willingly and sometimes when life’s not fair, when the people closest to us are hurting us, when it’s a just a little bit ugly and we want to scream and buck, God’s calling us to just draw close to Him, just to say, “Father, it’s not fair at the moment, but I can’t change it. What I can change is, I can draw close to you,” and let Him cultivate that inner beauty which is so precious to Him.

But look at the next bit, “and the same goes for you husbands.” So he’s pointing back to the slaves, he’s pointing back to Jesus, he pointing back to the wife. He says, “the same goes for you blokes. Be good husbands to your wives, honour them, delight in them.” Boy, how many wives would just die if their husbands would delight in them?

Would just look at them and say, “you know, you are the most beautiful woman in the world,” and behave as though they delight in their wives instead of just watching television at night when they come home. I know wives who would give their right hands for that sort of attention from their husbands.

And Peter goes on to say, “look,” in fact, literally, he says, “ok, you may be weaker vessels, women, than the men,” and some feminist might say, “well, there you go, you know, the Bible’s being sexist again,” but I don’t see it that way and we’ll talk about it a little bit later. I see my wife as a precious, delicate vessel and men and women are different.

Men tend to be more emotionally kind of rough and robust and everything and women are delicate and wonderful and warm and kind and gentle in a way that sometimes we men aren’t. And so he says, “look, you know, you blokes do the same; honour your wives, delight in them.”

Let’s look at some practical examples. How can we do that? A wife who has PMT – you know, her hormones are playing up, every month, regular as clockwork – husbands, that’s not easy is it? I mean, you get to that time and your think, “oh, no, she’s scratchy again, she’s all over the place, she’s …” Husbands, listen to me. Jesus suffered silently, it wasn’t fair and it may not be fair that sometimes your wife has this happen to her, but it’s not fair to her either.

The same goes for you husbands, be like Jesus. Be good husbands; love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. Be close to Jesus. Bear her weaknesses; feel her pain in your flesh and you know something, what happens to us? We develop that gentle and quiet spirit too; we develop that quiet assurance and confidence.

And what about a wife who is going through menopause? I mean, this is an emotional roller-coaster ride that goes on for months or years even. Where she’s just not stable sometimes, it’s very hard. Husbands be content to trust in God to set things right. Will we be there – will we be there and honour them and delight in them – just the same as if they were feeling wonderful?

Come on! This is real life, this is what happens and we want to withdraw; we want to pull back; we want to criticise; we want to say, “come on, you need to behave better.” Husbands love your wives as Jesus loved you and died for you. We are going to look as a couple of other examples from the other side of the fence.

God is in Control

Well, we are looking at practical examples of how we can deal with difficult people in our family environment. Well, wives sometimes your husbands might be reclusive and quiet and they don’t talk and you want to hear what happened today. You know, you want to say, “darling, what happened? Tell me everything that happened in your day,” and he doesn‘t want to do that. He wants to come home and spend half an hour watching the News and it feels like he doesn’t love you and it hurts – right?

How do you handle that? Do you nag him, do you give him that cynical look on your face, do you roll your eyes from the back of your head, do you close off, do you feel threatened? I mean, you are entitled, you should be, you’re justified. Sure it’s lawful, but it’s not helpful.

What do you do with what Peter’s writing about here? Do you say, “I’m going to draw close to God, really close and I am going to entrust my husband into God’s hand in prayer and be content to get my joy from Jesus and serve and honour my husband and encourage him.” You know something; nothing will open your husband up like encouragement and unconditional acceptance.

When he’s had his little time of rest and whatever, if instead of nagging and badgering him, you just quietly encourage him, this man’s going to open up. Psychologists will tell you that. Your beauty is a gentle and quiet spirit, firm and solid support. That is what’s going to impact your husband. There are husbands who don’t believe in God but they will be captivated by your life of holy beauty.

Husbands you realise you haven’t treated her as well as you might have; you haven’t treated her as an equal. Yeah, sure you’re the head of the house, but no, you haven’t been cherishing her. As I said before in the program, I think of my wife as just a beautiful, wonderful vessel, as Peter calls them here. You know, he talks about the male being the stronger vessel and the woman being the weaker vessel but in a sense of being more delicate, being more fragile, being more beautiful and I read that and I think, “yeah, a beautiful, beautiful vase on the mantle-piece, compared to some old bucket, which I am.”

Nothing opens her up more to her husband like letting her know, in everything that he does and everything that he says, that he cherishes her, that he values her, that he adores her, that he see her like that beautiful vase on the mantle-piece. That’s why the old wedding vow says, “love, honour and cherish’ from the husband’s side. She needs her husband to cherish her. Be good husbands to your wives – honour them and delight it them – cherish them.

And what about the child, maybe, that’s driving you nuts. A slow surly teenager, not delivering, good for nothing, lazy, disrespectful, sleeping in on the weekends, not keeping their room clean – I’m sure a few people know a few teenagers like that. I’m not having a go at teenagers by any stretch of the imagination, I was a teenager once and I remember what I was like. It’s a part of growing up and we sometimes look on the outside of teenagers – you know we look on them and we go, “You’re not delivering and you’re not behaving and life gets very adversarial and tense and parents and teenagers don’t talk. What do we do, how do we deal with that?

There’s a beautiful story in the Book of First Samuel, in the Old Testament, chapter 16, where the prophet Samuel comes looking to appoint a new king of Israel and he comes to the man Jesse, who has quite a few sons and Jesse brings all the sons and parades them in front of the prophet and the prophet looks at each one and some of them are tall and good looking and strong and Samuel says, “you know, I’ve looked at all your sons and I don’t see this king in the sons you’ve paraded. Have you got any more?” and dad, Jesse, says, “well, yeah, I do, umm. There’s the runt; there’s the little one but he’s out tending the sheep.”

God doesn’t look on the outside, God looks on the inside. God is not impressed with looks and stature and God says of the oldest son, “I’ve already eliminated him.” God judges people differently from the way we people do. Men and women look at the face, God looks into the heart and sometimes, with our teenagers, we look at their behaviour instead of looking into their hearts. So they go and get this young runt, this kid who’s out tending the sheep and that’s the one where God says, through His prophet Samuel, “this is King David; this is the one that will be King.” And Samuel anoints him as King.

Come on! God does things differently to the way we do them. God looks at the heart; God looks at the potential. Dad had preconceptions; he pre-judged his teenage kid. “Nah, he’ll never do, he’s just the little one!” How easy is it for you and for me, if we have kids, to pre-judge them? To look on what they deliver; to judge them by adult standards rather than kid’s standards or teenage standards. Come on – teenagers are teenagers. It’s a process of leaving childhood behind and taking on responsibility. It’s hard! Growing up physically, growing up emotionally, trying to become an adult, trying to sort all that out. Being a teenager is tough sometimes.

Why don’t we look at their hearts, why don’t we look at their potential? Why don’t we encourage them? Just five examples – a wife with PMT, a wife with menopause, a reclusive husband who shuts down his emotions, a husband who realises he hasn’t been treating his wife properly, a difficult teenager. I bet you can think of lots more examples, but the pattern is the same. When we are suffering at the hands of a difficult person who is close to us, we want to be the victim.

We want to tell them what’s wrong; we want them to behave the way we want them to behave. We want to insist on our rights. Come on, it’s not fair! But that’s not what Peter says; and that’s not what Jesus says. It’s not what Jesus did. Jesus went to that cross for you and me. What a fabulous model; what an amazing model; what a challenging model?

The Son of God went to the cross for you and me, they spat on Him, they beat Him, they reviled Him, they crucified Him. It was completely unfair, yet He bore my sin, my failures; He bore your sin, your failures in His flesh on the cross – the Son of God, that’s the model. That’s how we deal with difficult people, in love. And you know something, it hurts sometimes. It hurts a lot sometimes.

It’s not fair sometimes, but as we do that; as we draw close to Jesus, as we honour Him and honour those who are close to us, He’ll change us and as we commit these difficult people into God’s hands, He’ll change them too. He’s a good God. He’s a faithful God. He’s a God who wants blessing in your life and my life. Isn’t that awesome?

One of the hardest, one of the most difficult and delicate things in life, is bringing a difficult issue in a difficult relationship to a head. When someone really matters to us, when we know we need to deal with an issue – how … how can we speak the truth in love.

Giving the Hard Advice

I’d like to share a story with you as we open the program today. A few years ago I was working as a consultant in the Information Technology Industry and I was called into an organisation to do a review of how they were doing their whole IT function. And I had to go to the Chief Executive Officer of this fairly high profile organisation and give him some bad news.

To say, “look, you’re performance in this area is really poor. Your organisation is at very significant risk, and by the way, I think you actually need to remove this particular senior manager from the job that they’re doing in Information Technology.” It involves substantial reforms, affecting the livelihood of a good many people to improve the whole IT function in this particular organisation, and it was a review that I conducted that was born out of conflicting views in the organisation, so my job was to give them the hard advice.

It was difficult; it was painful for the organisation to accept and I guess, over the twenty or so years that I’ve been involved in that sort of work, eighty percent of what I did was to give hard advice. Sometimes organisations didn’t listen, I remember one organisation that didn’t listen to the advice that I gave and it ended up costing them over eighteen million to fix it.

Sometimes they’re not just ready to receive the advice and sometimes, not very often though, they’re eager to accept the hard advice because things are so bad they need to change. I’m convinced that in a professional role like that, giving the hard advice is absolutely the right thing to do because sometimes issues have to be confronted in order for them to be resolved. Let me say that again, sometimes issues have to be confronted in order for them to be resolved.

I guess I’m a peace loving sort of individual and really I’d rather sweep things under the carpet – I’d rather not have to confront issues but sometimes we do and it’s the same in personal relationships, in our personal lives. We people have the most amazing ability to hurt one another, don’t we? You just look at the news at night on television or look in our personal lives. People hurt people. How do we deal with that? How do we function in situations that are deeply hurtful? Do we just maintain the peace? Do we confront the person? When do we confront them? How do we deal with the issue with them? Why do we confront them?

This program is the last in the series of four messages called, ‘Dealing with Difficult People’. Three weeks ago we began with a parable that Jesus told about the speck in your eye and the plank in my eye. And we looked at the fact that so often we’re a bit hypocritical in our motives. We go to other people and say, “you’ve got this wrong with you.” When there’s something much bigger wrong with us that we need to deal with first and ultimately, because I am with me 24/7 and you are with you 24/7, I’m the most difficult person I’ll ever meet and you are the most difficult person that you’ll ever meet. That was the first program.

The second one we looked at what do we do when we are ‘Under Fire from the Enemy’. When we’re suffering for doing what’s right. We looked at First Peter chapter 3 verses 8 to 18 and we saw that it is better to suffer for doing good (if suffering is God’s will) than for doing evil. That’s a tough message. That’s not easy for us to come to grips with, but it’s important for us to understand that sometimes it is God’s will that we should suffer for doing what’s right and when we come to grips with that – when Jesus is in that place with us and we know it, gee, it’s so much easier to deal with.

And then last week we saw that ‘We can Pick our Friends but we can’t Pick our Relatives’. And we looked at First Peter chapter 3 verses 1 to 7, about how husbands and wives and families sometimes have difficult situations to deal with and rather than brow-beating one another, God’s looking for the lasting beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in His sight. So today, we’re going to look at the whole balance – to finish this series off, to round it out – of asserting ourselves on the one hand and suffering on the other because life needs to be a balance between those two things.

Boundaries are important, sometimes we do need to assert ourselves and if we go the world’s way; if we just say, “look, I have rights, buddy and I‘m going to insist on my rights.” If we say that, then ultimately that reduces us down to a state where abortion is ok; where we can just kill a child; where we can kill other people; where we can hurt other people, because we just insist on our own rights but it’s not like that.

Life is a balance between asserting ourselves on the one hand and humbling ourselves – sometimes suffering in that humility – on the other side. And when you look through God’s Word; through the Bible, there are precious few Scriptures that tell us how to assert ourselves. Most of what God says through His Word is about humbling ourselves; about dying to ourselves; about taking up our cross and following Him. It’s not much at all about asserting ourselves; in fact there are only two real Scriptures that I know of that talk about asserting ourselves. Matthew chapter 18 and Ephesians chapter 4 and we are going to look at both of those today in this message.

It’s something that I’ve struggled with over the years because from my business environment; from just the things that I did for all of those years before I came to Christ, I know that boundaries are important; I know that asserting myself is important but I was really surprised to find that there was precious little Biblical teaching on it – or so it seems, when you look at what Jesus talked about; when you look at what Paul talked about. So that’s the context of this message – we are going to look at the subject of asserting ourselves in those difficult situations – of speaking the truth in love. How do you do that? When do you do that? Why do you do that? Not from the world’s perspective, but from God’s perspective; from a Biblical perspective. Let me read to you Matthew chapter 18 verse 15. It says this:

If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone and if the member listens to you, you have regained that one, but if you are not listened too, take one or two others along with you so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses.

If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church and if the offender refuses even to listen to the church, let such a one to you be like a gentile or a tax collector. Truly, I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For two or three are gathered together in my name, I am there amongst them.

This passage is about asserting ourselves – it is in the context of another member of the church doing something wrong to us but there are some broader principles in this passage that I think we can look at and that’s what we are going to do next.

Motives Matter

Well, Jesus does talk about it in Matthew chapter 18 – asserting ourselves when another member of the church sins against us. And you listen to that and you say, “right, I go to that person and I talk to them on their own, if that doesn’t work, I take a couple of other witnesses with me, if that doesn’t work I take it to the church and if that doesn’t work, you little beauty, we boot them out!” Um, but let’s have a look at what else Jesus said, just around that same passage, in Matthew chapter 18 because it provides some context beforehand.

If you look at chapter 18 verses 1 to 5. If you have a Bible, grab it, open it and we’ll have a look together. It says this:

At this time, the disciples came to Jesus and said: “Look, who is the greatest in the Kingdom of heaven?” and He called a little child and He put the child amongst them and said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you’ll never enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven and whoever welcomes one such child in my name, welcomes me.”

And again just flick down there to verse 10 – He talks about the lost sheep “Take care that you do not despise one of these little ones for I tell you, in heaven, their angels continually see the face of my Father. What do you think if a shepherd has one hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, doesn’t he leave the ninety nine and go into the mountains and search for that one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he rejoices over it more than the ninety nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of your Father in heaven that one of these little ones should be lost.

Well, that kind of jars with our worldly view. You know, that sets the scene for this discussion on dealing with someone who sins against us. It seems to be in contrast, doesn’t it? On the one hand, Jesus is saying, “humble yourself, be like a little child and if one person goes astray, go after them and love them and bring them back into the Kingdom of God”. And then He flows right on and talks about … well, if someone sins against you, escalate the issue, deal with them first and then go on. But if someone sins against you, go and see them, take some friends, take it to the church and if that doesn’t work, boot them out.

Let me ask you – how easy is it for you and me to get hard advice about something we have done wrong? It’s not is it, particularly if it’s a stranger or if it’s someone whom we don’t trust or don’t respect. Will we take hard advice from someone like that?

Probably not, but someone whom we respect; whom we trust, someone whom we see be a wonderful leader, yet humble themselves – when they speak in our interests, they have a right; they have built a bridge of trust into our lives; a bridge of influence and that bridge of influence – that whole concept of developing relationships and having a bridge; having a right to speak into someone’s life – I think is underrated in our society and indeed, in our church. Who will be the greatest among us? Jesus said, “the one who is the servant of us all.”

When I was doing this consulting work as an independent consultant, I had two options. I could either give advice that was in the client’s interest or I could give advice that was in my interest; you know – string the job along, get more money. And fairly early on in the piece, I figured out, you know, I just give advice that’s always in the client’s interest, ultimately they figure that out. If I don’t give self-interested advice but I give advice that’s in their interest, they will keep inviting me back which is exactly what happened over a couple of decades.

In those first fourteen verses of Matthew chapter 18, I think Jesus is drawing a picture of someone with the right motives. Someone who can be trusted, isn’t He? Be like little children, humble yourselves, go after that one lost sheep, bring them back. Jesus is talking about having a right heart and that sets the scene for the discussion on what to do when someone sins against us.Look at chapter 18 verse 15 again, of Matthew’s Gospel:

If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.

If he or she listens … what? You get justice, you get rights, you get everything you deserve? No! If they listen you’ve regained that person for the Kingdom of God. If someone sins against you, go and see them on their own and try and bring them back. Try and reconcile; try and love, work in their interest, not in your interest. The Greek language that sits under that word ‘sins against you’ is strong. It means literally, if someone sins into you – into your life; when there’s anger and when there’s hurt – how do you react? Come out punching; punish them; get your rights? That’s not what Jesus is saying.

Jesus is saying; go there in humility and strength – go there with the guileless, candor of childhood, with a heart for that one lost sheep, with an attitude that says, “ee all make mistakes; my role is to serve you by loving you back into the Kingdom of God – by loving you Christ-ward.” With that attitude, draw them quietly aside at the right moment and tell them the truth, with an attitude and a motive to reconcile.

What happens when you or I make a mistake and someone goes and runs around and talks behind our back? Does that build trust; does that build relationship? It hurts doesn’t it? We all make mistakes and when someone else goes and puts them up on a neon sign and flashes them up in front of other people’s eyes, we hate that. Well so do other people.

Why is it sometimes, when someone hurts us – they make a mistake – we feel we have to race around and berate them to other people? Look at the sequence Jesus has – if another member of the church sins against you, what should you do? Pick up the phone; ring all your friends; tell them all about this horrible person? No! Go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. That’s the first step; with a right motive and a right heart – go and do it; just pull them quietly aside at the right time.

You know, sometimes when you’re trying hard and you’re working your guts out in the church for other people, inadvertently someone hurts you. Their weaknesses rub up against you and then people pick that one fault and gossip behind your back. It doesn’t feel real wonderful. How positive is that in rectifying the situation? It violates our trust. First go there with the right heart and pull them quietly aside. But when should we do that? Exactly when should we do that? We’ll look at that question next.

When Can I Say It?

Well, so when do we confront people? Obviously when they’ve wronged us. If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If that doesn’t work, bring a couple of friends, if that doesn’t work, raise it with the church, if that doesn’t work – done! If confronted with the issue, we’ll kick them out of church, you little beauty! Well, let’s read on. Verse 21:

Then Peter came to Him and said: “Well, Lord, how does this work? If another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive them, seven times? And Jesus said: “No, not seven times but I tell you, seventy seven times.” Isn’t it amazing, when someone hurts us, when they do it once, we can kind of get over it. They do it twice; we go – hang on a minute. They do it a third time and we think – that’s it, I’ve had enough.

See, Peter was thinking – well, seven times was a lot of times to forgive and Jesus went – no, no, let me explain to you, let me go right over the top – seventy seven times. Imagine forgiving someone seventy seven times for the same thing? That’s such a difficult call. I mean that would require so much prayer and careful judgement but you know something, I believe that Jesus is saying this – when should we confront someone? When we’ve forgiven them!

Because, you know what, if we confront someone before we forgive them, what we primarily want is justice, we want revenge; we want our right. But if we confront them after we’ve forgiven them, you know, we’re not interested in justice anymore because we’ve forgiven them. We can then focus on that person’s needs and that’s after all, the purpose of confronting them. If another member of the church sins against you, go point out the fault when the two of you are alone, if the member listens to you, you have regained that one.

If I confront them before I forgive them, I’m acting out of anger and pain. If I confront them after I’ve forgiven them, I’m acting out of love and that’s exactly what we are called to do.Flick over, if you have a Bible, to Ephesians chapter 4 verse 15. It says simply this:

Speak the truth in love.

And then look at chapter 4 of Ephesians verses 25 and 26:

Put away all falsehood. Let us speak the truth to our neighbours because we are members of one another. Sure, be angry but don’t sin, don’t let the sun go down on your anger and don’t make room for the devil. Thieves, give up stealing and stuff, let no evil talk come out of your mouths but only what is useful for building up as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.

Ties together, doesn’t it? “Put away from you all the bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, be kind to one another – tender hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you. Therefore, be imitators of God, beloved children, and live in love as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us – a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

Do you know when someone sins against us; when someone hurts us, and we just want to rip their heads off, Jesus is saying here, be humble like a child. Be interested in that person who has done wrong; who has strayed away from God. Forgive them first and then go to them, quietly. Just at the right time – pray about it, wait for my timing and try and bring them back into the Kingdom of God – point out their mistake and you know something, I believe that when we forgive someone, we are less likely to confront them. We watch and we listen and we love and we pray and we observe and we build bridges of trust and influence with our behaviour and then, if we feel the Holy Spirit saying: “Go and talk to this person,” then we can go and talk to them in love, in truth, having forgiven them.

Which of us, who as parents, would apply Jesus teaching, beginning at Matthew chapter 18 verse 15, legalistically to our own children? Ok, if a child does the wrong thing, I’ll go and talk to them on their own – go in their bedroom, sit them down and say, “you’ve done wrong,” If he does it again, well, mum and dad will both go and talk to them. And if he does it again, well, the third time, we’ll just kick him out of the house.”

Of course, we just wouldn’t do that. We cut our children an enormous amount of slack, just the way our parents cut us an enormous amount of slack. I deserved to be kicked out of home so many times and they just kept loving me because that’s what we’re called to do. We’re called to deal with the issue and forgive, to forgive, to forgive and to deal with them in their interests.

This is a very familiar pattern to us and yet when we grow up and we’re dealing with other people who hurt us, we just want to react; we want to get revenge; we want them to have to do the right thing, but Jesus is calling us to speak the truth in love. That’s the key! And Jesus’ grace said, “not seven times, no, seventy seven times.”

In other words, lots of times. Can I encourage you, where people are sinning against you and hurting you, that there is a time to assert yourself but that time comes when we have the right heart attitude and we can only have the right heart attitude when we forgive; when we are humble like little children. When our desire is for this person who has hurt us, to be brought back to God – that’s the time that we should assert ourselves; when we have forgiven them.

You know something, forgiving is not an easy thing to do. I have a lot of difficulty sometimes in forgiving because when people hurt, it hurts, you know, and there is something inside us, it’s the way we are wired, where we want justice, we want recompense, we want them to acknowledge their mistakes. But Jesus died for us while we were still sinners, He was proactive; He was pre-emptive in His forgiveness, and that’s what He’s calling us to be here. What world would we live in if we first forgave and then discussed?

If we first humbled ourselves and then quietly, without blabbing to everyone what this person has done wrong – just quietly pulled them aside and loved them and encouraged them and spoke the truth in love, in a way that they knew that we were acting in their interests not our own. Trying to bless them rather than get revenge.

You know, when I was a consultant in the IT industry, I had no position of authority. I couldn’t tell anybody to do anything in the organisations where I went to work. It appears to be a position of weakness, yet I would walk into board-rooms and CEO’s offices and give the hard advice and literally, speak the truth in love, in that advice and half the time I’d get a bad reaction. I remember one project I worked on for almost ten years.

It was in New Zealand with a government department and sometimes I had to go in and tell the CEO of this department some really tough things and when he retired I went to his retirement bash and people told stories about him and how he used to wave his finger at people and I said to him afterwards, “you used to wave your arms at me,” and he said, “you know, sometimes, Berni, you really annoyed me with your advice, but I knew – I knew – you were giving me the hard advice in my interest.”

What sort of a world would we live in, if you and I, when other people hurt us, at the end of the day, forgave them and just spoke the truth in love?