Around the world, families are being torn apart. And it’s not just a global, social problem. It’s a deeply painful, personal problem. God has rather a lot to say about your family. To Him – family matters. After all, the whole family thing was His idea in the first place.

Your Family Matters

As I travel around the world and see what’s going on in different societies and cultures – here’s one of the things that I see. It’s happening all over the place. This thing that we call family – is under attack. It’s a war zone out there and this war is relentlessly pounding away at the family unit, intent it seems, on tearing it apart.

I’m a former army officer – and I remember once during my training they took us to a large firing range – it was open, you could see for miles, there were no trees. We were sitting on one hilltop and on a hill a few miles away, they’d dug a defensive installation. There were pits, bunkers with overhead protection, like the one’s infantry soldiers would dig if they were defending that hill against the enemy.

Then they began to bombard that hill – first with light artillery, then with medium artillery and then with heavy artillery. It was the most unbelievable firepower demonstration I had ever seen. All of us who were watching it were thinking to ourselves – man, I’m glad I’m not in one of those bunkers on that hill – and since we were training to be army officers, training to lead men into war – we knew that one day, we could well find ourselves in that place.

But the artillery was nothing, compared to the bombs the planes dropped on that hill. Yep – a squadron of bombers clew over and dropped their loads on that target hill – it was just unbelievable. The massive firepower that was unleashed on that defensive position. 

That’s what I see happening to families around the world. Modern life is bombarding our families in all sorts of ways. And the army that’s marching against our families is called “individualism”. One of the greatest variations in cultures that I see across the world – is the degree to which they’re collective or individualistic.

In many countries, they remain family and community-oriented. Typically, they’re the less economically developed countries and there’s a good reason for that. Because when people are less well off, they rely on one another for protection and support. The more economically developed a country becomes, the less they rely on one another and the more individualistic they become. But even in many countries in Africa and Asia in particular where I’ve travelled, there is an incessant march of individualism.

So even these family-oriented cultures aren’t immune – they are very much under attack from this western style of individualism, where it’s all about me, me, me. As media globalises, as cable television channels and internet and music crosses borders and cultural boundaries, our children, in particular, are being fed the line that it’s all about them. And it’s a seductive line. It’s a line that says “you can have it all.”

That’s why individualism is sweeping the globe. That’s why families in family-oriented cultures are very much under attack.

And here in the so-called economically developed western cultures, hey – many families have been decimated. And those that haven’t, are under attack. In the west, divorce rates hover between 40 and 50%. In the west, many families don’t even share a single meal together. In the west, many children aren’t learning to honour their parents, to respect their grandparents.

In the west, families are disintegrating en masse and it seems that all we’re intent on doing is talking about the symptoms, but nobody much is talking about the heart of the problem. It’s like cancer – rates of cancer amongst people eating a western diet high in carbohydrates and seed oils are skyrocketing. I mean a hundred years ago, almost no one died of cancer. Today it’s one of the top 3 killers. And all the stuff you see on TV is about treating the disease, instead of asking why it’s happening and stopping it in its tracks.

It’s the same with this relentless attack on families. You hear adults talk about children who are disrespectful; you see young boys and girls going on drinking binges and getting rotten drunk – everybody’s talking about the symptoms. The disease however is the disintegration of the family unit. It’s the falling apart of the single, most important – God-ordained – social unit on the planet. The family. So I come back to my original thesis – the family is under attack. Relentless attack.

But this isn’t just a geopolitical issue. It’s not just a law and order issue. It’s not just a health issue. It’s not just a social issue. It’s a personal issue. Let’s bring it right down to you and me. Your family is under attack. My family is under attack. And when all is said and done, our families are the most important thing on this earth. Or are they?

On a scale of zero to 10 – how important is your family to you? Zero is not at all important. 10 is supremely important. Come on – no one’s marking your scorecard here except you yourself – HOW IMPORTANT IS YOUR FAMILY TO YOU, on a scale of zero to 10? 

Some will answer that with an 8, 9 or 10. But many – many, if they’re honest with themselves, will be disturbed by the answer, because in their heart of hearts they’ll know that other things are much more important to them than their families. Women tend to place a far higher value on family and relationships, for instance, than men do. In part, it’s because mothers are wired to love their children in a special way. And in part, it’s because men are wired to be the hunter-gatherers, out there providing for their families.

But there are other distractions too. There’s the whole materialism treadmill that we can end up getting on – and we find ourselves having to work so long and so hard for the stuff we want to have, that we don’t have the time to invest in our families. I want to leave you with this one thought today – YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOU. Mother Theresa once said:

“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.”

She had that right. Sometimes, we think there are all these big things out there for us to achieve. And hey, for some people there are. But nothing, nothing is bigger than going home and loving your family. This family that – okay – you didn’t choose for yourself. But this family that’s the only one that you have. 

This family that is a precious gift to you from God.

For this reason, a man shall leave his mother and his father, to become one with his wife –and the two become one flesh (Genesis 2:24).

After God created Adam, He created Eve and gave her to Adam – so that the two would become one and in so doing, produce offspring, children. There you have it, right from the beginning, God creates a family.

It’s easy to miss that. Family was God’s plan from the beginning and as it turns out, He has rather a lot to tell us about how a loving and effective family should live and behave and run as a family unit. That’s what we’re going to be talking about in these coming days and weeks on the program.

But not long after that, the family unit – the very first family unit – starts to come apart at the seams. They had two children – Cain and Abel – and out of jealousy one kills the other. So the moment sin entered the world, there you have it, the family unit is under attack.

When you’re gone, what sort of legacy are you going to leave behind on this earth? A good one, or… not so much? Well, let me tell you, much of the legacy that you leave behind will be through your family, your children, their children. Sure – not everybody goes on to have a family. But most of us do and for most of us, our legacy will be not just the DNA that we’ve passed on, but the values, the morals, the competencies, the faith and the love that we’ve passed on.

I’ll say it again – your family is under attack, under relentless bombardment. And in this war zone, in this battle – your family needs you. So – back to my earlier question – on a scale of 0 to 10, where are they in your list of priorities?

Your Family Struggles

I want to deal today with a delusion that many people live under. I want to blow it completely out of the water – and that delusion is the perfect family. Here’s how it goes.

As we live day by day with our own families, we rub up against the imperfections in each family member. Husbands and fathers, wives and mothers, children, grandparents, grandchildren, uncles, aunts, cousins – not a single one of them is perfect. And as much as some of those people may, to a greater or lesser extent be talented or gifted in certain areas, the reality is that they’ve also inherited many of the foibles and weaknesses, ineffective perspectives and attitudes of their parents.

And, worse still, they’ve probably developed a few bad habits of their own.

Put all of those people together into a closed ecosystem that we call “the family” – and from time to time, sparks are going to fly. Not everyone is going to get on with everyone else, not everyone is even going to like everyone else.

You’re getting my drift, right? You know exactly what I’m talking about here because there’s not a single person who hasn’t experienced this reality. It is the universal reality of every family. Every family has bits that are working well, and every family has some black sheep, some dysfunctional relationships, some clashes of personality.

Of course, there are different levels of dysfunctionality. Some families have things more or less together, others are a complete and shocking mess. I get that. But would you agree with me that there’s no such thing as the perfect family? Anywhere in the universe? Okay – so we agree on that.

So why is it that most of us have this ideal, perfect family thing in our heads that we compare our own families too – only to conclude, my lot are beyond help? Why is it that we believe the happy, smiling, stereotypical family thing that we see on television, in advertisements, in the sitcoms that we watch?

Why is it that we look at our friends’ families and think – wow, if only my husband were like hers, or if only my wife were more like his, or if ONLY our kids were as well behaved and as well adjusted and as respectful as their kids. And look how tidy their kids keep their rooms. Look at the mess my teenagers live in. Have you ever found yourself running those comparisons?

Sure you have! We all have! 

Well, it’s a delusion. The perfect family is a mirage in the desert. There is no such animal on the planet, as a perfect family. And the reason we’re talking about this expectation of perfection is that it’s this very expectation – this false, unrealistic, impossible expectation – is what disempowers us from investing in our family.

We see the weaknesses and failures and imperfections of individuals. We see the conflicts. We see the dysfunctions. Every family has those to a greater or lesser degree, but we compare them to this false image of the perfect family – and we throw our hands up in despair and conclude – there’s nothing I can do here. They’re beyond help. I’m just going to have to put up with this mess!

Or worse still – and this is happening more and more – I’m opting out. I’ve had enough. That’s how divorces happen. That’s how children don’t speak to their parents for years on end. That’s how brothers and sisters grow up and drift apart – to the great detriment of their own children who now completely miss out on their cousins and aunties and uncles and grandparents.

Some people live in family-oriented cultures. Others, like me – are immersed in individualistic cultures. Many of those who live in family-oriented cultures have no idea – NONE – of how truly blessed they are in their extended families. Cousins growing up together. A neutral aunty or uncle who can step into a conflict that is simply too hot to handle for parents. The gentle wisdom and guidance of grandparents. Those things are the most incredible blessing.

And yet many other families, children, miss out on that blessing, because we’ve decided – hope! They’re a pain in the neck my family. I’m not going to have anything to do with them. HELLO!

Can you please do me a favour? In fact, no – more than that – can you please do yourself a HUUUUGE favour? Ditch this delusion that out there somewhere there is some perfect family. Come on. Just forget it. It’s complete nonsense. NO – your family is not the only family with issues and problems and clashes. NO – your family is not the worst family on the street! NO – your family is not so hopeless and worthless that you should give up on them. 

Come on – they’re your family. They’re the only ones that you have – they’re your flesh and blood and they’re worth investing in. And the moment we ditch this ridiculous “my family is the worst family in the world” idea – all of a sudden opportunities open up for us to invest in family, and reap the rewards. 

Your family is a special gift from God. Your family is the most precious collection of people on this planet. And if you write them off now, you are trashing one of the greatest blessings that you will ever, ever receive on this earth. YOUR FAMILY. The only one you’ll ever have.

So, let’s get real. Of course, they’re imperfect. Of course, they won’t always see eye to eye. And of course – the more of your extended family that you connect with and invest in and relate to and have meals with… in a sense, the more problems, clashes and dysfunctions you’re going to run into. Uncle so and so, who has a drinking problem. Aunty so and so, who’s as insecure and bitchy a person as you’ve ever met. That 16-year-old nephew who is the rudest child you have ever encountered.

But think of the opportunities for you to invest in their lives. To be there for them. To reap the reward of family relationships. To laugh with and cry with and celebrate with and mourn with. That’s what families do. That’s what families were always meant to do. 

And they were never ever going to be perfect. Ever. 

Let’s come back to that very first family in all of history. Adam, Eve, Cain and Abel. Adam and Eve had a perfect life until they did the one thing that God told them not to do – they ate the fruit of the one and only tree in the Garden of Eden that God told them not to.

And so the first family let the curse of sin enter into this world – something that you and I are still living out today. God kicked them out of the Garden to fend for themselves and life became immeasurably harder. They experienced for the first time pain and hardship. And they brought two boys into the world who grew up and jealousy arose between the two:

Cain said to his brother Abel, Let us go out to the field. And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel, and killed him. (Gen 4:8)

Right there in the first family, there was dysfunction. Huge dysfunction – I’m hoping that we never see that sort of dysfunction in our families. I hope we never see that sort of a clash and it’s tragic consequences in our lives.

But there you have it. You and I live in a world where sin has entered. And just as we have sin and shortcomings in us, so our other family members have sin and shortcomings – albeit different ones to our own – in them. Just as they rub us the wrong way sometimes, we rub them the wrong way sometimes. That’s the way it is.

Once we grow up, and mature, and accept that reality – my friend your family can be such an incredible blessing to you. And, more to the point – you can be such an incredible blessing to your family. 

Your Family Means Safety

I must confess, I’m a land lover. I don’t like being out on the open ocean – particularly not in some small boat that gets tossed around by the wind and the waves. When the storms are blowing, when the waves are crashing over the hull of a ship – well, there is nothing more scary than that. 

There is nothing quite so frightening as an angry ocean. But in a very real sense, we live our lives out on that ocean. Think about it – we’re born as a helpless child – completely helpless. We can’t walk, we can’t communicate, we can’t feed ourselves… hey, a newborn baby doesn’t even have very good eyesight. The human child, when it’s born, is completely defenceless, and completely reliant on its parents. 

That’s where you and I started our life’s journey. And then God put us into a family. Now… I know… some people are orphaned. Some people have terrible parents. But for the most part, most of us end up in a family. Not a perfect family. But… a family nevertheless. Now, let’s just stop and think about the rationale behind that.

We start out as a defenceless, helpless little person – and at the end of our childhood when we pass into adulthood, we’re supposed to be healthy, educated, balanced young men or women, capable of contributing to society, capable of earning a living, capable of finding a soul mate and… capable of bringing a defenceless, helpless little person into this world and starting the whole cycle of life again. Not sure if you’ve ever thought of it in those terms, but that’s the plan. 

And the whole point of it is that our family is a place of safety and protection, a place of nurture and education, and a place where we learn to love and to relate to other people. It’s almost like a cocoon – you know when a caterpillar goes into a cocoon and it goes through the process of metamorphosis and it comes out the other end, incredibly, as a butterfly. As the cocoon is to the caterpillar, so the family is to the helpless little person. A place of protection, and a place of transformation. 

But… some father’s are too busy to be fathers. Mothers, more and more, are also in the workforce now. Children coming home to empty houses – with internet connections that give them unfettered access to the world – in all its beauty and in all its marred, ugly, dangerous manifestations. 

Mothers and fathers, this message is for you. You are the very fabric of that cocoon. You are the protection, you are the nurture, you are the one who – whether you realise it or not – has by far the greatest role in transforming your helpless babe, into that beautiful butterfly that emerges at the end of the metamorphosis. 

The Bible talks a lot about family. Because as we’ve seen – family is God’s plan. Family is part of God’s amazing design for this world. And your family – the very one you’ve been born into and the very one that perhaps you’ve brought your own children into – is designed to be a place of safety, protection, nurture and transformation. 

THE most important thing is NOT that our children should have designer label clothes, the latest smartphone, and all the entertainment and sporting and music options that they desire. THE most important thing is NOT that our house be the best on the street or that our car be the one that our little heart desires. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING – is that our children are loved and nurtured. Have a listen to this piece of wisdom for your family from God:

Better is a dinner of vegetables where love is than a fatted ox and hatred with it. (Prov 15:17)

It’s better for our family and our children to have less, with love, than to have more without it. It’s more important for our children to know that they are loved through what we do with them than what we buy for them. Those who have ears should listen. Parents, grandparents… listen to God’s Word today. You have a job to do – a job given to you by God. Please don’t abdicate. Your children’s lives depend on you.

These days way too many families are falling apart. And a great part of that problem is that in all our busyness, we’re simply not giving the time or the priority that they both need and deserve. Turns out, your family needs you.

Your Family Needs Time

It’s true, isn’t it? For centuries people have coveted money and power. They’ve been the two most valuable commodities on the world’s value scale.

If you can have enough money, you can buy, own and experience whatever you want. If you have enough power – you can control whatever you want. Makes sense – why wouldn’t people covet money and power?!

But things are changing. The more affluent we become, the less we covet money. Because affluence equals choice. Someone whom I respect greatly once said to me: “Berni money is only about one thing. It’s about choice.” That reflects the mood of contemporary society.

Of course, we’d all like a little more in our pay packet – there never seems to be quite enough to go around, does there? But many people have more than enough money now, and so what money does, is that it gives them choice. People these days are retiring earlier, or moving from full time, to part-time work. It’s their choice if they have enough money.

They can choose different experiences too – holidays, restaurants, cafés – the more they have, the greater are their choices. And a lot of people have decided that power isn’t worth the price you have to pay for it. Power is a brutal master.

And as a result – something else has bubbled up to the surface – as being, or at least becoming – the most valuable commodity of all. And that something is time. No – you won’t find it as a commodity to be traded on world markets. But the more choices we have, the more precious time becomes.

We only have a finite amount of time in the day – I guess we have to sleep sometimes, although many people suffer from a lack of sleep, because of everything they’re trying to cram in. Too many choices, you see. And… we only have a finite amount of time left on this earth.

Many people are capable of earning more money if they try. But time – who knows when it will run out. It is in a sense fixed – it is, given the increasing number of choices we have on how to spend our time, in short supply. And we all know, that when something is in short supply, its value goes up.

That’s why time, for many people, is their most valuable commodity. I wonder – how valuable is your time to you? And how do you choose to spend it? On what do you spend it?

For most of us, there’s work – although work for many, is more than work, it’s a career and because a career is valuable, many of us spend way too much time on work. Some people – and I really relate to this – are workaholics. Because I’m passionate about what I do, I’m prone to having my work life out of balance, by spending too much of my time, on my work.

And whilst I don’t have a long commute at all, many people do. Either by choice or necessity, they travel an hour or two, to and from work. Some people spend too much time on urgent things – like answering emails, rather than important things, like building relationships.

Other people squander their time. Now, time wasted on something we enjoy isn’t a waste. We all need some rest and relaxation. But some people are lazy. Some people waste their time on things that are of little or no value, things they don’t even enjoy that much – just because, that’s what they always do. How do you spend (or waste) your time? 

I love this quote from nineteenth-century writer and philosopher Elbert Hubbard:

No matter what you’ve done for yourself or for humanity, if you can’t look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?

And that brings me right back to the subject of our current series of messages – How to Stop Your Family from Falling Apart. Because way too many families are indeed falling apart. Why? Because as western culture’s ethos of individualism and materialism takes hold of a society, our focus turns to cramming as many desirable options into our limited amount of time as we possibly can. So we do things for ourselves. We do things for humanity – I can argue that my job is benefiting other people – hopefully, that’s true – and so there, right there is my justification for being a workaholic. 

But if we can’t look back on having given love and attention to our own families, what have we really accomplished?

That’s my question to you today. As you select each day what options you are going to spend your limited time on? Where does your family figure in your priorities? Are they an important option, or not so important? The great actor Michael J Fox whose stellar career was cut short by Parkinson’s disease puts it this way:

“Family isn’t just important. It’s everything.”

So here’s what I want to share with you today: Whatever is going on in your life, however important your job is, however many options you have for being entertained – YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOUR TIME.

And I’m saying this as much to myself as I’m saying it to you. If time is your most precious commodity, why wouldn’t you spend a good chunk of it on your most precious people – your family?! Husbands, your wife needs your time and your undivided attention. Wives, your husband needs your time and your undivided attention.

Parents, your children need your time and your undivided attention. What bit of that don’t we get? Surfing the internet, watching cable television, answering those emails, watching a movie, having a slightly better job that pays a bit more, but requires a 2-hour daily commute – none of those things, in the cold, hard light of day come anywhere close, to how important your family is.

So – being an Australian and being a fairly forthright and direct individual – let me say this to you. Wake up!

Your family matters. 

Desmond Tutu said this:

“You don’t choose your family, they are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.”

He’s absolutely right of course. So… God gives you this amazing gift – and you toss it in the corner and ignore it. Is that any way to treat your God? Is it any way to treat your family?

God says this to us through Proverbs 22:6:

Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not depart from it.

That takes time. It takes time to discipline a child. It takes time to play with a child. It takes time to listen to a child, to appreciate them, to celebrate with them, to mourn with them.

It takes time to keep the passion in your marriage. It takes time to listen to your wife – husbands – when you come home from a day’s work. It takes time – wives – to spend intimate moments with your husband.

All these things take time. The most important things we can possibly do, with the most important people we can possibly have. These people whom God gave us as His special gift. These people to whom God gave us, as their special gift.

IF our family is indeed made of the people who are most precious to us in this world, then doesn’t it make sense to spend a good chunk of our most precious resource – time – on them. Sure, have some time relaxing. Sure work hard. But somewhere in that mix, you have to ask yourself, what’s the most important thing that I can do with my time? Hmm?

Let me finish off today, with another salutary Word from God – He says it so much better than I ever could:

So teach us to consider our mortality, so that we might lie our lives wisely. Psalm 90:12

May you be blessed as you receive His Word into your heart.

Your Family Needs Your Marriage

Here in Australia where I live, over the last decade, people have tended to marry less often and divorce more often. It’s not just the nuclear family that’s being torn apart, it’s the whole concept of the nuclear family that’s being torn apart. In other words, people seem to be losing faith in the notion of marriage and family.

Many couples these days are living together without marrying. Many are choosing not to have children, because of course, these days with contraception available, they can make that choice.

And of all those that do decide to marry, have children, subscribe to the traditional notion of the family – many are ending their marriages and tearing their families apart. In a small country like Australia – population just 23 million – over 1 million children live with only one of their parents according to the latest census. That’s 22% of children – almost a quarter – most of whom find themselves in that situation because their parents are separated or divorced.

But – travel out of the safe, comfortable, affluent culture of Australia and head to some much larger countries, like India for instance, and you discover that instead of a 40% divorce rate they have something like a 1.2% divorce rate. Okay, part of that is that it’s culturally far less acceptable to divorce. But you don’t have to be there very long, to realise that a marriage doesn’t have to end in divorce for it to be coming apart.

There are plenty of people both there and around the globe, who are still married on paper, but whose marriage has for all intents and purposes come to an end. There’s no love or tenderness there. There’s no oneness. They’re always arguing. They never see eye to eye. What was supposed to be a lifelong, loving union of man and woman – has turned into a living nightmare or a relationship, if you can call the constant arguing and bickering a relationship.

And, can I tell you, that’s how a lot of couples live – somewhere between détente… and guerrilla warfare… or outright open conflict. Perhaps that describes your marriage, or the marriage of one of your adult children, or the marriage of someone else you know.

This week on the program, we’re talking about families – in this series of messages that I’ve called How to Stop Your Family from Falling Apart. And the reason we’re turning our attention to marriages today is because the marriage is the cornerstone, the bedrock of any family. The plan is that this man and this woman who love each other more than words can say, come together as man and wife in a life–long union.

And out of that love and tenderness, they bring children into the world – who are protected and nurtured – as they grow up. Learning about love, learning about family, learning about marriage by what they see and hear their parents do. So that when they grow up, they’ll know how to choose their soul mate and how to love their soul mate for a lifetime. 

That’s the plan. Sadly, all too often, that plan isn’t realised, because marriages are dysfunctional. 

So, are you married? Do you have children or are you planning to bring children into this world? Then today… today I have a very simple, somewhat blunt message for you:

YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOUR MARRIAGE.

They need the safety, comfort, nurture and assurance that your marriage is meant to bring into their lives. And without it, they are bound to repeat your terrible mistakes in life.

That’s pretty blunt and “in your face” I guess. And if you find what I’m saying, a little confronting, then good. It’s meant to be. Because all too many parents think they’re being great parents because they run their children to this and that, buy them the right clothes, make sure they’re entertained up to the eyeballs – and we pat ourselves on the backs as parents and say to ourselves – there you go, I’m a good mum, I’m a good dad.

Whilst all along, the feuding between husband and wife, father and mother – goes on unabated. If not in full view of their children then behind closed doors. But let me tell you, your kids aren’t stupid. They know what’s going on. It’s unsettling them, in some cases, it’s tearing them apart. And, mark my words, what they see you doing they are 99.9% likely to do themselves when they grow up because you mum, you dad are their principle role model.

Fathers, if your boys see you mistreating your wife – their mother – they’ll do the same when they grow up. Mothers, if your girls see you being disrespectful to your husband – their father, if they see you undermining his authority in front of them, then… guess what… That’s exactly what they’ll do when they’re wives and mothers.

So – husbands and wives – your bad behaviour doesn’t just rob the two of you of the delight and the joy that your marriage is meant to bring, it doesn’t just rob your children of the loving environment that they’re supposed to be growing up in, it’s going to impact your grandchildren, their children, and quite probably many generations to come.

How’s that for a sobering thought. Husbands, wives, your family, your children, your grandchildren, your great-grandchildren need your marriage to be a loving one. Not perfect, but loving. The sort of love that is the bedrock of a child’s makeup and psyche and emotional well being. Do you get it?

The biggest thing that you can do to stop your family from falling apart, is take a good long look at this man or this woman that you married all those years ago and decide to sacrifice your life to love them. To give your marriage your all. To forgive them for all they’ve done wrong, for all their annoying little habits, to open your heart to them and love them with all you are, no matter how much it hurts and no matter how much it costs you.

And not just today. But tomorrow, the next day… for the rest of your life. Because when we open our hearts to our soul mate, when we forgive them, when we accept them and love them just the way they are, the love returns. And believe you me, your children will notice. Your grandchildren will thank you. Listen to me husbands and wives, mothers and fathers: Your family needs your marriage.

Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. Eph 5:25

I didn’t have to look that one up. It’s written on my heart, because on the days when loving my beautiful wife Jacqui isn’t the easiest thing to do – and we all have those days in a marriage – this Scripture, this powerful word from God is what guides my behaviour.

Wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. (Eph 5:22)

A lot of women write that off as being old fashioned, anachronistic. A lot of men have abused that verse down through the centuries. But ask any psychologist, psychiatrist or marriage counsellor, and they’ll tell you that whilst in a marriage, a wife’s greatest love needs are safety, security, emotional connection and understanding, a man’s greatest needs are honour and respect. 

I’ve recorded a whole series of messages on our website on marriage. But suffice to say today that this marriage thing, is God’s amazing plan, your wife guys is His gift to you, your husband gals, is His gift to you. 

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. Prov (18:22)

House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord (Prov 19:14)

Marriage was God’s idea. And now that you’re married, in God’s sight, you have become one flesh. And what God has joined together, as Jesus Himself said, let no man pull asunder.

Your family needs your marriage. How about it?

Family Priorities

Electronic gadgets are invading every nook and cranny of our existence. Tablet computers and smartphones, in particular, are becoming more and more pervasive. And these techno–gadgets aren’t just shiny, bright gadgets. They’re not just toys. They’re fundamental game-changers in so many ways.

They bring the whole world into the palm of our hands. Whatever we want to know whenever we want it. A plethora of entertainment options on tap. Online shopping, eBay, videos, music, YouTube. More and more you can catch up on your favourite TV shows – whenever you want, wherever you want on demand. And there’s no shortage of demand.

Oh – and that’s not all. Then there’s the constant interruption of emails and SMS’s – not to mention all the apps on your phone reminding you of this, or someone just asked you to connect on LinkedIn, or an auction item you’ve been looking at on eBay is due to close shortly. Hang on! Wowah!! I almost forgot to mention Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and all that other social media. How could I forget that?!

Yeah – they’re fundamental game changers and increasingly – these distractions – electronic or otherwise – are tearing relationships apart, and families apart. That’s just one example. There are plenty more.

Can I ask you – in the scheme of things, what value do you place on your family? How important are they really to you, on a scale of zero to ten? Got it? Do you have your number in mind? Now – is that priority reflected in the way you spend your time? Or do you spend more time playing with your electronic gadgets?

The single most important thing for anyone who believes in Jesus is loving God. And pretty close on the heels of that number one priority is our family. Have a listen to what Moses says to the Israelites, just before they’re about to cross over into the promised land. 

You shall put these words of mine in your heart and soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and fix them as an emblem on your forehead. 19 Teach them to your children, talking about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. (Deut 11:18–19)

In other words, your family needs you. If you want to pass on the grace and the mercy and the goodness and the power and the love of God to your children, then you need to talk to the kids about this stuff – the most important stuff there is. God stuff. 

That takes time, attention, focus, dedication. That means that our families need to be way, way higher up our list of priorities than playing with our gadgets; than being distracted by all the distractions that the world casts our way. I am going to be plain and blunt and direct here so that nobody can miss this. According to God, your family needs you. They need the best of you. They need you now. 

Not tomorrow when the children are grown up, making mistakes that they could have avoided had you taken the time with them when they were growing up. Not when your marriage is at the point of collapse because you haven’t invested the emotional energy into you soul mate that you could have or should have. Not when your family has completely disintegrated before your very eyes.

They need you now. And it’s not me saying that, it’s God. Children are a heritage from the Lord, a blessing from the womb, we’re told in Psalm 127:3. A fruit. A reward. Great – so are we going to squander that blessing, or invest our most precious resource – our time and energy – in these children, who are the future. 

Okay – so perhaps I’ve come on a bit strong and passionate about this. Perhaps you feel like I’ve slapped you around a bit too much. Is that how you feel? Tough. With all my heart I believe God wants to get through some thick skins today. Your family needs you. Now. That’s it.

These days way too many families are falling apart. But as it turns out there are 3 very simple things that you can do to stop that from happening. None of them is rocket science. None of them is particularly onerous. 

Eat Together

We’ve all had that experience – having a meal with someone takes a relationship to a whole new level. Not quite sure what makes this whole eating together so important to us – but it is. It’s one of the primary ways that we form relationships.

It’s a very special thing. Eating meals together with other people – in almost every culture on the planet – is an incredibly important part of building and strengthening relationships. We kind of already know that – but just stopping to think about it and talk about it – really drives it home doesn’t it?

So why is it then, that we’re seeing declining rates of families having meals together? In the UK for instance, one in ten families never sits down to an evening meal together. But that same study – which surveyed 3,000 families – revealed that two-thirds of children yearn for a return to the traditional family dinner time. And four out of 10 children have even asked their mother or father to have more evening meals together as a family.

A similar study conducted in New Zealand found that the whilst majority of 15-year-olds – 64.7% – reported that they shared a main meal with their parents around a table several times a week whilst 35.3% – or just over a third – reported that they didn’t have that privilege. The newspaper USA Today had this to say on the whole subject of family dinners:

Family dinners help kids avoid risky behaviours and may even help them in school. But new research shows that the more frequent these dinners, the better the adolescents fare emotionally, says new research published this week in the Journal of Adolescent Health.

“The effect doesn’t plateau after three or four dinners a week,” says co-author Frank Elgar, an associate professor of psychiatry at McGill University in Montréal. “The more dinners a week the better.” With each additional dinner, researchers found fewer emotional and behavioural problems, greater emotional well-being, more trusting and helpful behaviours toward others and higher life satisfaction, regardless of gender, age or family economics. The study was based on a nationally representative sample of 26,069 Canadian adolescents ages 11 to 15 in 2010. 

Do we really need more studies and statistics to tell us what we already know – eating meals together is good for children, and good for families? Eating meals together stops people from falling apart and families from falling apart. And yet it’s something that in many countries – we’re doing less and less. It’s as though we’re hell-bent on destroying our families.

And our family contains the most precious people on the earth to us, right? What’s one thing – just one thing that you can do to stop your family from falling apart? Eat meals together as often as you possibly can. They’re important for children, they’re especially important for teenagers and they’re important too for husbands and wives.

Over the dinner table in the evening – it’s as though we check in with each other. We find out what’s been happening in each other’s days. How are the rest of our family members going? What joys and triumphs did they have today? What sadnesses and disappointments? Time magazine puts it this way:

Studies show that the more often families eat together, the less likely kids are to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders and consider suicide, and the more likely they are to do well in school, delay having sex, eat their vegetables, learn big words and know which fork to use. “If it were just about food, we would squirt it into their mouths with a tube,” says Robin Fox, an anthropologist who teaches at Rutgers University in New Jersey, about the mysterious way that family dinner engraves our souls. “A meal is about civilizing children. It’s about teaching them to be a member of their culture.”

I want to encourage you to take this one thing in your family seriously. It’s all about being a family – providing a safe place for one another – not just the children, but also the adults. I’ve found that our kids need us just as much – differently – but just as much now that they’re young adults.

This one thing is so simple to do. It’s so practical. Okay, perhaps it will require some changes to entrenched routines. Perhaps your children will raise their eyebrows or wonder what’s going on. But remember that study – most of the children on this planet long for a return to regular family mealtime. And for you – it’s perhaps the simplest most practical thing that you can do to stop your family from falling apart.

Just sit down, once every day, and have a meal with your family. Can it really be that simple? Sure it can. If the studies are right – it’s worth a try. As I open my Bible – there seems to be precious little in it about sharing a meal together as a family. Or… is there? I guess back in the times when the various books of the Bible were written, there weren’t all the distractions that we have today, to tear families apart. No cable television, or mobile phones, or internet, or social media.

And yet it seems that God sees the family as the central piece in bringing children close to Him. This is what God says to His people way back in the book of Deuteronomy Chapter 6, starting at verse 4:

Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. 6 Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. 7 Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise.

Talk to your children about God. And to the church, he says in the NT – Hebrews 10:25

And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

Bring those two together into the modern-day malady of families falling apart and the message is clear. We need to spend time together as a family – it’s good for us. It’s God’s will for us. And the easiest way to start is to do what comes naturally. Eat meals together. It really is that simple. 

Play Together

Can I ask you a question – what do you do with your spare time? Do you invest it, spend it, or waste it? Let’s take a look at your week and break it down. We’re all different of course, but here’s a typical week – you make your own modifications to suit your lifestyle as we go along.

Each week has 168 hours. So – the average working week is 40 hours. That leaves 128 hours. Let’s say you spend 7 and a half hours commuting – that’s one and a half hours five times a week) now we’re down to 120 hours roughly. 2 hours a day – 14 hours a week, preparing and eating meals – that leaves 106 hours. Oh – we’ve forgotten sleep. Can’t forget sleep. Let’s say you’re getting 8 hours a night there’s another 56 hours for the week – now, we’re down to 50 hours and right there, you have your spare time. Some of that’s going to be taken up with necessary chores – washing, cleaning, shopping – let’s say they add up to 10 hours – what’s left now, is 40 hours.

40 hours of spare time! That’s pretty much the same as the average working week. 40 hours is rather a lot, wouldn’t you agree? As I said, different people have different routines. I work longer the average and sleep slightly less than the average. So I’m probably closer to 30 hours of spare time a week – that’s still rather a lot. That’s over 4 hours a day of spare time – 7 days a week – on average – less on weekdays, more on weekends.

30 hours, 40 hours – whatever your spare time ratio is, that’s rather a lot. Some of it, you’re going to want to rest and spend on your own. Just getting some “me” time is important to recharge your batteries. Watch a bit of TV perhaps, hop onto Facebook, surf the internet, whatever it is you enjoy doing. Perhaps reading a good book. Fantastic. But there’s one very important thing that we haven’t talked about yet when it comes to our leisure time – and that “thing” is your family. Husbands with wives, wives with husbands, parents with children, children with parents.

Last time I checked, being a family was meant to be fun. It’s not all fun of course. Disciplining our children isn’t always fun. Fights and arguments aren’t always fun. Sometimes being a family is hard work. That’s okay. That’s the way it was meant to be. But here’s what I’ve noticed. The more fun families have together, the less time they spend fighting and arguing; the more fun they have together, the less it feels like hard work.

So – here’s my question for you today. How much fun are you guys having together as a family? Do you plan fun times into your busy week? Do you have spontaneous fun time, where you forget about your busy schedule and just laugh and play together. When I was a young lad, my father worked really hard. He emigrated to Australia after WW II and whilst he had an engineering degree, it wasn’t recognised in this country, so, with a young family and a demanding job, he went back to university and studied for 7 years part-time – I can’t imagine how soul-destroying that must have been. 

He had a senior position and so spent long hours at work. But sometime, early on, he decided that he and I would collect stamps together. It was our hobby together and we built up quite a stamp collection. That was almost half a century ago. I had those stamps valued recently – they came to just a few hundred dollars. Nothing really. But the time that we spent together as father and son remains a priceless memory for me that I shall treasure until my dying day. 

Families that play together, stay together. One of the greatest things that you and I can do to stop our families from falling apart, is to have fun together. To deliberately schedule time, to plan time and activities, hobbies, car rides – whatever that are times of fun that we can have together as families. 

Okay, they’re not always exactly what we want to do. But those times of fun together as a family, are the times that your children will treasure when you, like my father, are long gone. What can you do to stop your family from falling apart? Play together. Waste time on each other having simple fun, enjoying simple pleasures. Do it deliberately. Do it in the face of the pressing realities that crowd out your time. Because your family, your children, are truly the most precious people on the planet. Doesn’t it make sense to invest some of your precious time in them? Just stop and think. What do your kids enjoy doing? Is it going down to the park to kick a football around? Or going to a movie? Playing dress-ups or perhaps the odd shopping trip together? When we plan things to do with our families that make us laugh and enjoy life – that’s powerful stuff. How easy is it to allow the burdens that we carry round on our shoulders to rob us of the fun we can have in life? The decision to have fun together or not – as a family – is a decision that we each can make. So… what will you decide to do.

Once again, this isn’t something that the Bible talks about specifically, probably because when it was written, life wasn’t as crazy and hectic as it is today. There weren’t the individual, isolated entertainment options that we have today. In the evening, after dinner, there was no television, there was no electricity even – and so families naturally spent time together and invented their own entertainment. But the wealthier we become, the more options we have and the less fun we have together as families. What God’s Word does tell us to do is to make good use of our time and not to waste it. Because time is short. 

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Ephesians 5:15-16

In other words, use your time wisely – compared to this admonition: 

Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying things they ought not to. 1 Timothy Ch.5:13

It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? There are good ways to spend our time and some really bad ways to spend our time. And one of the best ways that we can spend our time – one of the greatest and most pleasurable investments that we can make in the future – is to have fun, to make some time to play with our families. Can it really be that difficult to do? Families that play together, stay together. 

Pray Together

So as we talk about our families – and the things that you and I can do to stop them falling apart – how can we possibly pass up the opportunity to talk about prayer. I have a very simple view of prayer. It goes something like this. Prayer is when we join hands with God, to get His will done on this earth. Do you remember Jesus’ master class on prayer? It was very simple. 

Our father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors, And do not bring us to the time of trial, but rescue us from the evil one. 

Do you see? It’s all about getting God’s will done on this earth, and trusting Him for His provision and His forgiveness. So let me ask you – is it God’s will for your family to stay together? Is it God’s will for your children to learn to honour their parents and love and obey God with glad and willing hearts? Is it God’s will for your family to reflect the wonder of His love in a world where families are falling apart en masse?

I don’t think you have to be such a great theologian, to be able to answer a resounding “yes” to all of those questions. And if we lived in a perfect world with a perfect family – well, it’d be pretty easy for us to live out His will. No problem at all. But we don’t live in a perfect world. And, I’m guessing, you don’t have a perfect family, am I right? You have the sort of family that we were chatting about on the program last time. You have the sort of family that has conflicts and clashes, personalities that sometimes rub one another the wrong way. 

We somehow imagine that out there somewhere is some perfect family, but that’s simply not true. Every family has its issues and yours (and mine) is no exception to that universal reality. In fact, sometimes it can seem that keeping your family together – stopping them from falling apart – is completely impossible. Do you know why that is? Because it’s true. There are some things that you can’t do to keep your family together – they require supernatural power. They require the power of God – and fortunately, as we saw earlier, God has a mighty heart for your family. And He is ready, willing and able to step in and see His will done, when your family seems intent on tearing itself apart. That’s where prayer comes in.

Let’s imagine that there’s a teenager in your family – perhaps he’s your son or your grandson – who is going completely off the rails. He’s caught up with the wrong crowd – a recipe for disaster if ever you saw one – and he may be into drugs. He’s out till all hours and you’re beside yourself, You just don’t know what to do. Nothing you say seems to make a difference. Nothing you do makes one iota of difference. You’re completely powerless to help him and if something doesn’t give, he’s going to find himself in serious trouble. Well, there is something that you can do. You can pray. Hmm. Sounds rather feeble doesn’t it? Because you want to do something real and practical. Have a listen to this:

John15:7 – If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

Mark 11:24 – Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.

Luke 11:9,10 – And I tell you, ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everybody who asks receives, everybody who seeks, finds and to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. 

Remember at the beginning of the program I said that the only sort of prayer the Bible teaches about, is the sort that has powerful results? In fact, prayer that yields powerful results is entirely normal in God’s sight. So – when you pray for that wayward teenager who’s bent on self–destruction – you are actually doing the single, most powerful thing that you can possibly do. When you pray for the husband and father who’s a workaholic. When you pray for the young daughter who’s going out on her first date with a boy. When you pray for the mother who is struggling with postnatal depression. When you pray for the marriage that seems to be coming apart at the seams. You are doing the most powerful thing that you can possibly do. Why? Because you are joining hands with God – the maker of the heavens and the earth, the same God that has a soft tender heart for your family – you’re joining hands with that God. The God who has the power, the wisdom and the desire to do the things that you cannot do.

Hello – is anybody hearing this? Are you listening? Is the mighty, powerful Word of God sinking into your heart and bringing hope back for you? Because that’s exactly what God intends to do through His Word today. The single most powerful thing that you can do for your family is to pray for them. 

How much and how often do you pray for your family – as a whole and for the individuals? And – let me ask you this. How often do you pray together as a family. It’s a powerful thing for husband and wife to pray together. It’s a powerful thing for parents to learn how to pray from their parents, as the family prays together. Sadly, very few families pray together. But imagine what would happen if we took this one, most powerful thing that we can do for our family – to pray – and did it together. Imagine the transformative power as God changes the hearts of each member of your family through prayer. Imagine what your children would learn, how it would change them, as they see God answer the prayer of your family.

Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am among them. Matthew 18:19–20

Imagine if you gathered together in prayer and had Jesus in your midst. Come on! Prayer that yields powerful results is normal in God’s sight. Do you see the power of what it is that we’re talking about here? What if a good chunk of your prayer life were focussed on your family? What if your family together, as a family under God, prayed to Him together? How different would your family be? Fathers, husbands – it’s up to you here as the spiritual head of your household to take the lead here. Families that pray together, stay together. How about it?

With families falling apart left, right and centre, it’s all too easy to look at our family and imagine that it’s beyond the point of no return. But that doesn’t have to be the case. God is on your side – and the time to act, to bring your family back together isn’t tomorrow. It’s… now!

Forgive Past Wrongs

Here’s the thing about the people in our families. We generally know them better than anyone else does. Why? Because we live with them. Most of us can put up a facade that will fool people out there – but none of us is capable of maintaining that façade 24/7 – at home. Eventually, at home – who we really are, comes to the fore.

The people in our families, know our strengths and weaknesses like nobody else. You may listen to my smooth voice and imagine that I have it all together. My wife could tell you otherwise. I try my best, but I’m far from perfect, just the way that you’re far from perfect. 

So – we see all the strengths and weaknesses of the other members of our family. But because we live with these people, their weaknesses and failures and limitations – even just their differences, the ways in which they’re different from us – become like Chinese water torture. Here’s how Chinese water torture works.

Back in the 15^th and 16^th centuries Christianityworks, AD, they would tie a subject down, immobilise him, and then drop water on his forehead.  They’d vary the timing and intensity without warning, and this would go on for days. Eventually, it felt like there was a brick falling on the victims head – it became completely unbearable.  

It was the constancy, repetitiveness and unpredictability of the drips that caused the victim such great distress.  Just simple small drips of water became totally unbearable. And that is what, so often, happens with the weaknesses and failures of the people we live with.

I was having coffee with a man recently and he was telling me something that his wife had done which drove him, the other day, into a complete fit of rage. He’d had enough. He just couldn’t take it anymore. Now the thing that his wife did, in and of itself, wasn’t such a big deal. But they’ve been married for going onto 30 years, and she’s been doing it all that time.

It’s the Chinese water torture thing. You see? I wonder, what are the things that some of your family members do over and over again, that drive you to anger and despair all at the same time. Often they’re just little things. For instance, I’m one of these people who has a place for everything and puts everything back in its place. Seems obvious to me. That way, next time I need it, I’ll know where to find it.

My wife and my daughter aren’t like that. It doesn’t seem important to them, to put the sharp kitchen knives back into the knife block in the same order, so that when you reach for the one second from the top, you get a carving knife, not a bread knife. It doesn’t seem important when they borrow a pen from the penholder in my study, to put it back again, so that I’ll have something to write with, next time I reach for a pen.

Now, that doesn’t make them bad people. They’re not. Love them both, and truly, they have strengths and abilities that I will never have. There are things that I fail to do – that they simply can’t understand.  But this whole knife and pen thing – as small as those things are – used to drive me absolutely around the twist. How can they not get it? Well, they don’t and they probably never will because… they’re different to me. 

So – here’s my choice.  Seems to me that there are 3 options here: Option 1 is to continue to get angry with them and tell them what a bad job they’re doing at being a wife and a daughter. Option 2, is to hold my tongue, say nothing but still harbour that anger and resentment inside. And Option 3 is to forgive them immediately and completely.

Which one do you think is the best option? Pretty obvious isn’t it. Option 1 is going to tear us apart. Option 2 is going to tear me apart. Option 3 is going to promote family harmony and let’s face it, which slot in the knife block the knives go in is hardly a big issue, is it? And I do have other pens in the top drawer of my study desk when all is said and done.

These examples may seem trivial to you. And they are, but they have the potential to create a lot of conflict in our household. And I’m guessing that you have some things – equally trivial, equally inconsequential – that set you off too. And because they’ve been done by your family members over and over and over again, you are so sensitive to them, that when they happen, you could just about scream. Am I right? I’m pretty sure I am.

What is it that your family members do (or don’t do) to you that make you want to scream? Come on, just think about them now. You’ll know what they are in an instant because you’re so attuned to them. It’s like you’re almost waiting for it to happen again at any moment, right? So when those things happen the next time, which option are you going to choose:

Option 1 – get angry with them (again!!) and tell them what a bad job they’re doing. Option 2 – hold your tongue and say nothing, but let the anger and resentment build up inside you. Or…. Option 3 – forgive them immediately and completely. Which one will it be? And when you choose that option – what will the consequences of your choice be?

Here’s the reason that unforgiveness is so toxic in a family context. Because it’s cumulative, like the Chinese water torture. Each drip, drop, drip… magnifies the impact on you and the consequences of your actions. And that unforgiveness – each time it happens – it’s like… like wedges being driven between family members, slowly and inexorably tearing them apart.

Before you know it – this family that should be a close-knit, loving unit – is a collection of warring tribes, with no love, or common purpose or sense of family left that anybody can discern at a safe distance.  So if unforgiveness is tearing your family apart. There’s just one place for you to begin.

Begin by forgiving people instantly – in fact, you can even forgive them in advance, anticipating the next drip in the water torture, and even before it comes, neutralising its effect on you. Forgiveness based on tolerance is what keeps families together. Forgiveness – your own, and your example that others will surely model and follow – is what’s going to stop your family from falling apart. 

Jesus said this:

Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbour’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbour, Let me take the speck out of your eye, while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbour’s eye. (Matt 7:1–5)

He’s absolutely right isn’t He? This precisely describes the pattern of unforgiveness that goes on in our families. We behave on the premise that we’re wrong, and they’re right – not realising that we ourselves, have a distorted view of things. 

This whole forgiveness thing starts with us. It starts with us examining our own flawed judgements and reactions. How can we judge others and conclude that they’re wrong, simply because God wired them differently on the inside? How can an encourager judge a leader – and conclude that the leader is flawed, just because she’s not an encourager?

That’s exactly what we do in our families and we build up layers of unforgiveness, simply because God’s made that family member who’s annoying us different from us. And those layers of unforgiveness tear families apart.

Want to stop your family falling apart. Then forgive them quickly and completely – and all of a sudden – you mark my words – they’ll see the wisdom in that and start doing the same. That’s how you stop your family from falling apart.

Hope for the Future

Well, over these few messages we’ve been talking about how to stop families from falling apart. And here’s the thing with this whole marriage breakdown and family breakdown thing. It doesn’t happen overnight.

Nobody gets married with the aim of having their marriage fail. Nobody brings children into the world with the intent of seeing them grow up and leave the family never to return. Nobody nurtures a family, with the express intent of seeing it disintegrate in front of their very eyes do they?

Families don’t fall apart overnight. It’s a gradual process. It begins with distractions – other things, seemingly important things, even apparently good things, start to crowd out our family times together. And so we go our different ways and then, we don’t connect as often or as deeply as we used to.

Before you know it, the members of our family  – yours and mine – we’re all living separate lives.  Now – as kids grow up, they’re meant to have their own lives. And it’s good for a husband and a wife to have some different interests, things that they do apart as well as together.

All those things are fine until we stop connecting on a deeper, emotional level. Why do we do that? Because we’re tired. Because we’re distracted and sometimes, because connecting with people we love, hurts. What – love hurts? Sure it does! Whenever we love an imperfect person, that person is going to hurt us. Whenever we’re loved by another – because we’re imperfect – we’re going to hurt them. 

And after a while, those hurts become deeper and deeper – we talked about that whole Chinese water torture effect the other day on the program. And so we retreat into our shell – an hide from the hurt. And there you have it. Instead of connecting with our loved ones on a deep emotional level, we now have a family that’s disconnected. We now have a family that is ready, to fall apart. In fact, the process is already well underway.

Talking about this stuff – I am so deeply conscious that some people have recently been through that and some may well be travelling down that painful road at the moment. Or perhaps your adult children are going through it at the moment in their families. When families fall apart it is deeply, deeply painful. And here’s the reason why.

Because a man and a woman, when they fall in love and get married – have hopes and dreams for their future together. They start their marriage with a great sense of anticipation. When they bring their children into the world, they have hopes and dreams for them too. And all of a sudden when we come to that point of realising that our family – not someone else’s – our family is on the road to destruction – that realisation robs us of our hopes and dreams.

There is nothing so devastating as to see your hopes and dreams lying shattered at your feet. I know – because I’ve been there. Many years ago now – but I remember that sense of hopelessness as though it were yesterday. Of all the pains and hurts that I’ve experienced in my life, hopelessness is by far the worst by a country mile. 

Whilst we live in the here and now, today – we’re always looking forward to the future. And when the things we’d been hoping for in our futures start to look unattainable, it’s completely devastating. 

So – what do you do when that happens? Do you give up? A lot of people do. A lot of people simply resign themselves to the fact that their marriage is going to fall apart. Or, in cultures where husband and wife are not likely to divorce, they resign themselves to a lifelong marriage of separation and isolation. 

In a sense, it’s the impending sense of failure of a family, that causes too many people to withdraw their efforts to hold their family together, way, way too early. What I have to say now is specifically for anyone whose family has fallen apart, is in the process of falling apart or will one day start falling apart. And it comes from Martin Luther King Jr. who once said:

“Only in the darkness can you see the stars.”

When the night is the darkest, that’s the time that you will discover the stars – the treasures in your family relationships that are worth saving. So many people in those dark places, give up their hope for their family. They stop fighting to keep it together. They go the way of convenience –as we do in a disposable world – instead of the hard road of fighting tooth and nail to keep their family together.

If you are in a dark night at the moment with your family – I want to tell you this – do not give up hope. The Apostle had more than most of us to be hopeless about. The guy  – he walked a tough road. People tried to kill him. He was imprisoned, flogged, beaten. HE was shipwrecked, bitten by a viper and then he spent years on death row – finally to be executed.  This is what he writes about hope:

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. (Romans 12:12)

Hope is that thing that lives in our hearts that believes in a better tomorrow. And when we see those precious stars in that inky black night in which we live – hope is what drives our behaviour. If we give up hope – we stop doing all the things we can do to keep our family together. When we give up hope, we stop connecting, we stop sacrificing, we stop forgiving, we stop encouraging, we stop loving. 

In a very real sense – the moment you stop hoping for better things for your family – your hopelessness is driving one nail after the other in the coffin of your family relationships.

But the opposite is also true. In the face of a family that looks like it’s falling apart, in that place where it looks as though your hopes and dreams are being shattered, your future is being destroyed, you can continue to hope for better things. You can look at your wife or husband and think to yourself – they are so precious to me. I know it’s not going well at the moment – but I believe that I can make a difference here.

And so your hope starts to drive the thoughts and attitudes and actions that will bring your family together. When the night is dark, whatever you do, don’t give up your hope in your family.

Because God is a God of hope. Interesting, whenever the Bible talks about hope – the original Hebrew and Greek words that it uses doesn’t mean an uncertain hope, rather it means a certain hope. An uncertain hope is something like – Oh, I hope it doesn’t rain tomorrow.  But that’s not what God means when He talks to us about hope.

Because when it comes to your family, there’s one thing for certain, God is in the business of keeping it together. And the most powerful thing that you and I can do when we begin to notice our families drifting apart, is to place our hope in God. To take our family to Him in prayer – to pray for our marriage, our children – and ask Him to make a difference.

Lord show me what I can do – and Lord please do the things that I can’t do. 

From the very beginning, God took a man and a woman and brought them together to be cleaved to one another, joined in such beautiful intimacy as to become one flesh – and in so doing, to bring children into this world. What a wondrously beautiful, stunningly magnificent plan. And this very same God will fight tooth and nail with you to keep your family together.

Friend, if your family is going through a rough patch, place your hope in Him and let that hope – the certain hope you have in His grace and mercy and power – drive your attitudes, your thoughts and your actions. And as Moses said to God’s People:

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. (Deut 31:6)

The Time for Action… Is Now

So many of us allow the important things to drift because we have so many urgent things that crowd out the important ones. But the truth is, that not all of the things that appear to be urgent, are.

You may have heard some of our recent messages in a series called “Healthy Living To a Ripe Old Age.”  And I shared how for many years, I ignored my diet, I did precious little exercise, I became quite obese and I was really headed on down a well-worn path, to an early grave. My father died of complications related to diabetes, at the relatively young age of 74.

I was headed the same way. I told myself I was too busy to exercise. I told myself I travelled too much, and it was too hard to control my diet. And so in my mind, I swept the whole issue of health, diet and exercise under the carpet and kidded myself that I was just fine. The results of that stupidity, had I allowed it to continue, carrying an extra 25 kgs or 55 lbs of fat on my body – would, eventually, have been catastrophic.

The same is true of our family life. We kid ourselves that it’s not really a problem working all hours, neglecting the simple pleasures with our family. Eating meals together. Having fun together. Praying together. We kid ourselves that we can hold grudges and unforgiveness in our hearts towards our so-called loved ones and it won’t really make a difference.

And all the while, the members of this precious family are drifting apart, until one day, you realise that – for all intents and purposes – you’re not really a family anymore.  Let me put it quietly, yet plainly and directly – so that you can make no mistake here. If your family is drifting apart, like the pieces of ice at one of the poles as the warmer months approach – if your family is on a course to destruction – then you have to start doing something now. Now is the time for action.

Now is the time to admit that there is something terribly wrong. Now is the time to take the initiative and begin to do the things that we’ve been talking about on the program. Because God doesn’t want YOUR family to be the one that falls apart in your street. God wants your family to be the place that brings glory to Him. That shows other people what families should be like. At some point we need to choose – is our family life going to honour God or not? It’s one or the other. We can’t be wishy washy about it. Joshua 24:15:

Now if you are unwilling to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served in the region beyond the River or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living; but as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.

Friend – which one is it going to be? Please stop kidding yourself. If your family is drifting apart, if you can see it happening, if in your heart of hearts you know it’s happening – then eventually, if you don’t do anything about it, if you don’t seize the initiative, it’s going to fall apart. It’s as simple as that.

And the pain and suffering of a family that falls apart simply isn’t worth it. It just isn’t. Trust me. If we stand by and do nothing – no matter what role we have in our family – parent or child, brother or sister, grandfather or grandmother – if we just knowingly watch it happen and let it happen, then to be truthful, we have blood on our hands.

We are as guilty as the rest of them in letting it happen. But it doesn’t have to be that way. As we’ve seen in this series, the power of God is on your side, as you set about doing the simple things that you can do to start bringing your family back together again. Because Families are God’s idea. They have been right from the beginning. They reflect the very nature of God – Father, Son and Holy Spirit – living together in perfect unity for all eternity. God wants your family to thrive and to prosper and to be a loving place of safety, compassion and comfort. That’s God’s will for your family. When we do our bit, God will certainly step in and do His. So… what’s it going to be?